WG fancies a beer (shocker!!), decides to phone his good mate NAFOS
WG: Naf, how are things, buddy ?
NAFOS: Fine, fine, Ah'm looking forward tae the gemme the morra, hopefully a few goals and three points.
WG: Fancy the Teser the night ?
NAFOS: Ah thoat ye went tae Craigneuk oan a Friday night.
WG: Ah cin easy bi back in Wishy fur hauf eight
NAFOS: Naw, Ah canny make it the night. Ah've a previous engagement.
WG: Business or pleasure, Naf ?
NAFOS: Tae bi honest, a bit ay baith.
WG: Male or female, Nafster ?
NAFOS: Ye don't half stick yir nose in, dae ye? Female if ye must know n that's is faur is Ah'm gaun, nae mair details WG. Nae whos, nae whens and nae wheres. Butt oot.
WG: Oh we ARE rather touchy today Mr NAFOS. Are you scared Militia Intelligence will pick up on your little rendezvous ? Only kiddin mate. I'm thinking of a little Love Action masel this weekend. Mibbe see ye eftir the gemme.
NAFOS: Aye, mibbe WG. Adios.
Saturday 31 January 2009
The Gate In The Wood - Episode 55
GD: Sir Gordon Duffied, Chief Executive, how may I help you ?
FA: Gweetings bwuvva. Tell Wima my name's Fergus not Edward.
GD: Good morning Sir Fergus. Congratulations on a fine performance against Aalborg. Looks as if you've got the group in the bag and the Jungle Jims will be out of Europe before the lights are on in George Square.
FA: Vewy eawy days, Gawdon. I was wondewing if you would care to join me for wunch tomowwow. I'm on a weconnaisance mission at Celtic Park.
GD: I wouldn't eat there even if you were paying.
FA: No, I've booked a table in the Wogano - seafood is the speciawity; pwawns, wangoustines, wobster, scawwops, the wowld is your... er .... oyster.
GD: Sounds good, what time ?
FA: Need to be vewy earwy, say eweven ferty ?
GD: It's a date.
FA: Have you got a sponsor for the Scottish Cup yet ?
GD: I'm currently in talks with Sir Murray David of David International Diamond Drill Yieldings.
FA: Muwway's a vewy good fweind of mine. I will twy and pull a few stwings on your behalf. OK, see you tomowwow, Gawdon.
GD: Bye, Sir Fergus
Duffield thinks to himself 'Thank goodness it's a seafood restaurant as I'm reeking of this macaroon essence and it does have a rather fishy niff to it.'
FA: Gweetings bwuvva. Tell Wima my name's Fergus not Edward.
GD: Good morning Sir Fergus. Congratulations on a fine performance against Aalborg. Looks as if you've got the group in the bag and the Jungle Jims will be out of Europe before the lights are on in George Square.
FA: Vewy eawy days, Gawdon. I was wondewing if you would care to join me for wunch tomowwow. I'm on a weconnaisance mission at Celtic Park.
GD: I wouldn't eat there even if you were paying.
FA: No, I've booked a table in the Wogano - seafood is the speciawity; pwawns, wangoustines, wobster, scawwops, the wowld is your... er .... oyster.
GD: Sounds good, what time ?
FA: Need to be vewy earwy, say eweven ferty ?
GD: It's a date.
FA: Have you got a sponsor for the Scottish Cup yet ?
GD: I'm currently in talks with Sir Murray David of David International Diamond Drill Yieldings.
FA: Muwway's a vewy good fweind of mine. I will twy and pull a few stwings on your behalf. OK, see you tomowwow, Gawdon.
GD: Bye, Sir Fergus
Duffield thinks to himself 'Thank goodness it's a seafood restaurant as I'm reeking of this macaroon essence and it does have a rather fishy niff to it.'
The Gate In The Wood - Episode 54
Diddy, Ducking & Diving
SFA HQ This morning, Wilma bursts into Duffield's office unexpectedly. She discovers her boss with his hair askew and a teaspoon apparently sticking out the side of his head. On his desk is a tub bearing the label: Narrowboat Macaroon Fondant
GD: Wilma, I've told you to knock before entering.
Wilma: I'm sorry Sir Gordon but I've a very important man on the line who would like to have a word with you.
GD: If it's Brown Browing Snr I'm otherwise engaged.
Wilma: No, it's not him, Sir Gordon..... Sir Gordon ?
GD: Yes ?
Wilma: There appears to be a piece of Lodge Novo cutlery .... er .... lodged in your head.
GD: You're havering woman, get back to your desk
Wilma: And an unfortunate aroma. A mixture of coconut and fish, like fish pakora. Have you changed your aftershave ?
GD: Wilma, who is on the blasted phone ? Put him through immediately.
Wilma: It's Sir Edward Alexanderson of Harmony Row. Could you ask him for a couple of tickets for......
GD: Do it, Wilma. NOW.
SFA HQ This morning, Wilma bursts into Duffield's office unexpectedly. She discovers her boss with his hair askew and a teaspoon apparently sticking out the side of his head. On his desk is a tub bearing the label: Narrowboat Macaroon Fondant
GD: Wilma, I've told you to knock before entering.
Wilma: I'm sorry Sir Gordon but I've a very important man on the line who would like to have a word with you.
GD: If it's Brown Browing Snr I'm otherwise engaged.
Wilma: No, it's not him, Sir Gordon..... Sir Gordon ?
GD: Yes ?
Wilma: There appears to be a piece of Lodge Novo cutlery .... er .... lodged in your head.
GD: You're havering woman, get back to your desk
Wilma: And an unfortunate aroma. A mixture of coconut and fish, like fish pakora. Have you changed your aftershave ?
GD: Wilma, who is on the blasted phone ? Put him through immediately.
Wilma: It's Sir Edward Alexanderson of Harmony Row. Could you ask him for a couple of tickets for......
GD: Do it, Wilma. NOW.
The Gate In The Wood - Episode 53
Cat: Dirgewoods ? That place sounds a-laugh-a-century
Boyn: Yes, I've been there before for a Tarot reading - the speywife said I'd have three sons and the middle one would become Craigneuk's second Cardinal.
Cat: A tenner well-spent, Boyne. So are you going to meet Mr Nafos ?
Boyn: I don't know. To tell the truth I was sort of carrying a torch for Winst.
Cat: What if Winston shows up in Dirgewoods ?
Boyn: I asked Nafos the very same thing
Cat: And ?
Boyn: He said Winston drinks in the Queen Lud of a Friday and, in any event, has barred himself out of Dirgewoods following an altercation with the bar manager after Arsenal lost a cup-tie to Bolton in 2006.
Cat: So the coast is clear. You've GOT to meet Nafos, Boyne. You've absolutely nothing to lose.
Boyn: I've absolutely Winston to lose.
Cat: Winston Bergkamp Gemmell is nothing but a Celtic-mad, right-wing, Catholic, anarchist, alcoholic thug, Boyne. Are you honestly serious about him ?
Boyn: I think so, Cat
Cat: When did you last hear from him ?
Boyn: Over a week ago when he asked me to go to Kilmarnock but I rebuffed him. Since then, not a word. Perhaps I've hurt his feelings.
Cat: All the more reason to meet the mysterious Mr Nafos.
Boyn: What do you mean, Cat ?
Cat: The green-eyed monster, Boyne. Meet Nafos and you're sure to spark a reaction from Winston. USE NAFOS. Use him just like Stuart used you and me.
Boyn: Sounds like a plan, Cat. I believe we just might be friends again.
Boyn: Yes, I've been there before for a Tarot reading - the speywife said I'd have three sons and the middle one would become Craigneuk's second Cardinal.
Cat: A tenner well-spent, Boyne. So are you going to meet Mr Nafos ?
Boyn: I don't know. To tell the truth I was sort of carrying a torch for Winst.
Cat: What if Winston shows up in Dirgewoods ?
Boyn: I asked Nafos the very same thing
Cat: And ?
Boyn: He said Winston drinks in the Queen Lud of a Friday and, in any event, has barred himself out of Dirgewoods following an altercation with the bar manager after Arsenal lost a cup-tie to Bolton in 2006.
Cat: So the coast is clear. You've GOT to meet Nafos, Boyne. You've absolutely nothing to lose.
Boyn: I've absolutely Winston to lose.
Cat: Winston Bergkamp Gemmell is nothing but a Celtic-mad, right-wing, Catholic, anarchist, alcoholic thug, Boyne. Are you honestly serious about him ?
Boyn: I think so, Cat
Cat: When did you last hear from him ?
Boyn: Over a week ago when he asked me to go to Kilmarnock but I rebuffed him. Since then, not a word. Perhaps I've hurt his feelings.
Cat: All the more reason to meet the mysterious Mr Nafos.
Boyn: What do you mean, Cat ?
Cat: The green-eyed monster, Boyne. Meet Nafos and you're sure to spark a reaction from Winston. USE NAFOS. Use him just like Stuart used you and me.
Boyn: Sounds like a plan, Cat. I believe we just might be friends again.
The Gate In The Wood - Episode 52
Girl Talk
Bank's tearoom, lunchtime, October 2, 2008
Boynita: So that cad, Dougal Stuart, ditched you as well ?
Catriona: Yes, he blew the whistle on me. I think he done us up like a pair of kippers,less the..... er.... smell, of course. He set us up against each other, Boyne, and now he gets to play the field again.
Boyn: Not if I can help it, he won't.
Cat: Can we be friends again, Boyne ?
Boyn: I'm not so sure, Catriona. You let me down pretty badly. When did you and that creep Dougal Stuart split up ?
Cat: Oh, just the other night - he graciously phoned to tell me it was all over, said he was off to the continent to officiate at some European match.
Boyn: Probably Hamburg or Amsterdam. Anyway I hope he stays there for good. I received a strange phone call myself last night...
Cat: Pray tell.....
Boyn: Do you know Mr Nafos ?
Cat: Never heard of him. He sounds as if he's either foreign or from Shotts.
Boyn: No, he's local. I believe he puts the 'dim' in Dimsdale.
Cat: You don't half pick them, Boyne !
Boyn: I didn't pick him, Cat. He's supposed to be a pal of Winston Gemmell.
Cat: Oh I know THAT one alright, cause trouble in an empty pub he would.
Boyn: Oh I really like Winst. He has a certain charm, charisma and a cute dimple on his chin.
Cat: Charisma ? Dimples ? Rumour has it that Winston Bergkamp Gemmell is one of the leading lights in the proscribed Wishaw Militia. They make The Green Brigade look like choirboys. Anyway,er..... Mr Nafos....you were saying ?
Boyn: He asked me out
Cat: Asked you out where ?
Boyn: His local, Dirgewoods. Tomorrow night.
Bank's tearoom, lunchtime, October 2, 2008
Boynita: So that cad, Dougal Stuart, ditched you as well ?
Catriona: Yes, he blew the whistle on me. I think he done us up like a pair of kippers,less the..... er.... smell, of course. He set us up against each other, Boyne, and now he gets to play the field again.
Boyn: Not if I can help it, he won't.
Cat: Can we be friends again, Boyne ?
Boyn: I'm not so sure, Catriona. You let me down pretty badly. When did you and that creep Dougal Stuart split up ?
Cat: Oh, just the other night - he graciously phoned to tell me it was all over, said he was off to the continent to officiate at some European match.
Boyn: Probably Hamburg or Amsterdam. Anyway I hope he stays there for good. I received a strange phone call myself last night...
Cat: Pray tell.....
Boyn: Do you know Mr Nafos ?
Cat: Never heard of him. He sounds as if he's either foreign or from Shotts.
Boyn: No, he's local. I believe he puts the 'dim' in Dimsdale.
Cat: You don't half pick them, Boyne !
Boyn: I didn't pick him, Cat. He's supposed to be a pal of Winston Gemmell.
Cat: Oh I know THAT one alright, cause trouble in an empty pub he would.
Boyn: Oh I really like Winst. He has a certain charm, charisma and a cute dimple on his chin.
Cat: Charisma ? Dimples ? Rumour has it that Winston Bergkamp Gemmell is one of the leading lights in the proscribed Wishaw Militia. They make The Green Brigade look like choirboys. Anyway,er..... Mr Nafos....you were saying ?
Boyn: He asked me out
Cat: Asked you out where ?
Boyn: His local, Dirgewoods. Tomorrow night.
The Gate In The Wood - Episode 51
GD: Sir Gordon Duffield, Chief Executive, Scottish Football Association.
MD: Sterling work on the Argentina friendly, Duffers. We've come a long way since the Falklands.
GD: Sir Murray, so nice to hear from you. How are you this fine day ?
MD: On a bit of a downer, Gordon. Poor poor result for Celtic last night, bad result for Scottish football. I genuinely hoped they would win.
GD: Er...... me.....too. Anyway here's hoping Motherwell will fly the flag proudly tomorrow night. You have some business you'd like to discuss ?
MD: Evidently. This friendly match against the Argies ?
GD: I prefer the term 'challenge match' Murray.
MD: Likely to draw in multi denarii ?
GD: I'd like to hope so.
MD: Increase your personal profit, Gordon.
GD: In what way Murray ?
MD: DIDDY Corporation has a new project starting shortly in North Lanarkshire at the former....
GD: Ravenscraig site ?
MD: Don't interrupt, Duffers. At the former Darmeid mine in Shotts. Coal, Sir Gordon, black diamonds - the future, Duffers. The future is ours, the future is black.
GD: Count me in, Sir Murray.
MD: I'll confirm matters at Lodge Novo, the next business meeting.Bring the SFA's chequebook. Goodbye, Brother Duffield.
GD: Goodbye, Brother David.
MD: Sterling work on the Argentina friendly, Duffers. We've come a long way since the Falklands.
GD: Sir Murray, so nice to hear from you. How are you this fine day ?
MD: On a bit of a downer, Gordon. Poor poor result for Celtic last night, bad result for Scottish football. I genuinely hoped they would win.
GD: Er...... me.....too. Anyway here's hoping Motherwell will fly the flag proudly tomorrow night. You have some business you'd like to discuss ?
MD: Evidently. This friendly match against the Argies ?
GD: I prefer the term 'challenge match' Murray.
MD: Likely to draw in multi denarii ?
GD: I'd like to hope so.
MD: Increase your personal profit, Gordon.
GD: In what way Murray ?
MD: DIDDY Corporation has a new project starting shortly in North Lanarkshire at the former....
GD: Ravenscraig site ?
MD: Don't interrupt, Duffers. At the former Darmeid mine in Shotts. Coal, Sir Gordon, black diamonds - the future, Duffers. The future is ours, the future is black.
GD: Count me in, Sir Murray.
MD: I'll confirm matters at Lodge Novo, the next business meeting.Bring the SFA's chequebook. Goodbye, Brother Duffield.
GD: Goodbye, Brother David.
The Gate in The Wood - Episode 50
KNIGHTS OF THE REALM
Wilma: Scottish Football Association, Wilma speaking, how much would you bid for an Argentina ticket ?
On the line is metal and precious stone magnate, Sir Murray David. Sir David was involved in a serious accident in 1976 which has left him with a serious and terminal disability - Sir Murray David is no longer capable of telling the truth !!
MD: Good morning Wilma and how are we today ?
Wilma: I'm good. How is business, Sir Murray ?
MD: Call me , Sir David.
Wilma: I will in future, Sir David and thanks for the reminder.
MD: Business is thriving, Wilma. While all around are suffering from the credit crunch David International Diamond Drilling Yieldings continues to thrive.
Wilma: Excellent news, Sir David and please remember diamonds are a girl's.......
MD: Sir Gordon Duffield please
Wilma: Scottish Football Association, Wilma speaking, how much would you bid for an Argentina ticket ?
On the line is metal and precious stone magnate, Sir Murray David. Sir David was involved in a serious accident in 1976 which has left him with a serious and terminal disability - Sir Murray David is no longer capable of telling the truth !!
MD: Good morning Wilma and how are we today ?
Wilma: I'm good. How is business, Sir Murray ?
MD: Call me , Sir David.
Wilma: I will in future, Sir David and thanks for the reminder.
MD: Business is thriving, Wilma. While all around are suffering from the credit crunch David International Diamond Drilling Yieldings continues to thrive.
Wilma: Excellent news, Sir David and please remember diamonds are a girl's.......
MD: Sir Gordon Duffield please
The Gate In The Wood - Episode 49
EXPRESS DELIVERY
SFA Headquarters remain open the Monday of the September Weekend as Duffield has swapped the traditional West of Scotland holiday for the " Northern Ireland " 12th of July jamboree as a tribute to his daughter, Boynita.
Lynxman: Heavyweight package for Sir Gordon Duffield, Chief Executive. Ah require a signature, hen, keep this wey up.
Wilma (scribbles autograph): What in God's name is in here ?
Lynxman: Ah dunno, hen, we don't pack thum, we joost deliver thum.
Lynxman departs
Wilma (on intercom): Sir Gordon, a large package has just been delivered by Lynx. Will you give me a hand to lift it ?
GD: No, ask that lazy fool, Herb Drewbison, to help you in with it
Herb and Wilma take the package into Duffield's office, place it on his desk and wait expectantly to see what it contains. Duffield dismisses the underlings, ushers them to the door which he locks behind them. He excitedly unwraps the packaging and reads the label on the large plastic tub :
NARROWBOAT MACAROON FONDANT :- Essence of potato and sugar. When used sparingly this fondant can be employed as a soothing agent for itchy, irritable, flaky, infested or blistered scalp. Please apply one teaspoonful (5ml) four times daily over affected areas. Our haddock is sourced from recognised, sustainable fisheries.
GD: Haddock ?
Duffield removes both his wig and the tub lid and reaches over for the teaspoon which is in a blue-and-white Lodge Novo mug.
SFA Headquarters remain open the Monday of the September Weekend as Duffield has swapped the traditional West of Scotland holiday for the " Northern Ireland " 12th of July jamboree as a tribute to his daughter, Boynita.
Lynxman: Heavyweight package for Sir Gordon Duffield, Chief Executive. Ah require a signature, hen, keep this wey up.
Wilma (scribbles autograph): What in God's name is in here ?
Lynxman: Ah dunno, hen, we don't pack thum, we joost deliver thum.
Lynxman departs
Wilma (on intercom): Sir Gordon, a large package has just been delivered by Lynx. Will you give me a hand to lift it ?
GD: No, ask that lazy fool, Herb Drewbison, to help you in with it
Herb and Wilma take the package into Duffield's office, place it on his desk and wait expectantly to see what it contains. Duffield dismisses the underlings, ushers them to the door which he locks behind them. He excitedly unwraps the packaging and reads the label on the large plastic tub :
NARROWBOAT MACAROON FONDANT :- Essence of potato and sugar. When used sparingly this fondant can be employed as a soothing agent for itchy, irritable, flaky, infested or blistered scalp. Please apply one teaspoonful (5ml) four times daily over affected areas. Our haddock is sourced from recognised, sustainable fisheries.
GD: Haddock ?
Duffield removes both his wig and the tub lid and reaches over for the teaspoon which is in a blue-and-white Lodge Novo mug.
The Gate In The Wood - Episode 48
NAFOS AND SOAL ARE STILL IN THE TESER
SOAL: Spose Ah better head.
NAFOS: Is it no your shout ?
SOAL: Nae sheckels left Naf.
NAFOS: Ur ye waantin anurra pint ?
SOAL: Aye, Ah could go a wee nightcap bit Ah dunno if Ah fancy anurra pint ur a large voddy.
NAFOS: Why don't you have both ?
SOAL: Coz Ah'm oot the gemme, that's why. Waant mi tae draw a picture ?
NAFOS: Naw Ah waant yi tae consider the laws of the market.
SOAL: We're no in The Market, wur in the Teser.
NAFOS: Disny mean we canny barter, Arthur ?
SOAL: Batter who, Naf ?
NAFOS: Trade, Arthur. Conduct a transaction.
SOAL: Whit ?
NAFOS: Well Ah've goat sumthin you waant - money fur drink ....
SOAL: N whit dae Ah huv thit you waant ?
NAFOS: The mobile phone number of the buxom bank babe named Boynita Duffield.
SOAL: You're oan dangerous ground here Naf. WG is very well connected to some heavy muscle is Lodge Novo discovered to thir cost.
NAFOS: Nae deal then ?
SOAL: Deal. A teardrap ay cola, nae ice.
SOAL: Spose Ah better head.
NAFOS: Is it no your shout ?
SOAL: Nae sheckels left Naf.
NAFOS: Ur ye waantin anurra pint ?
SOAL: Aye, Ah could go a wee nightcap bit Ah dunno if Ah fancy anurra pint ur a large voddy.
NAFOS: Why don't you have both ?
SOAL: Coz Ah'm oot the gemme, that's why. Waant mi tae draw a picture ?
NAFOS: Naw Ah waant yi tae consider the laws of the market.
SOAL: We're no in The Market, wur in the Teser.
NAFOS: Disny mean we canny barter, Arthur ?
SOAL: Batter who, Naf ?
NAFOS: Trade, Arthur. Conduct a transaction.
SOAL: Whit ?
NAFOS: Well Ah've goat sumthin you waant - money fur drink ....
SOAL: N whit dae Ah huv thit you waant ?
NAFOS: The mobile phone number of the buxom bank babe named Boynita Duffield.
SOAL: You're oan dangerous ground here Naf. WG is very well connected to some heavy muscle is Lodge Novo discovered to thir cost.
NAFOS: Nae deal then ?
SOAL: Deal. A teardrap ay cola, nae ice.
Friday 30 January 2009
The Gate In The Wood - Episode 47
September Sunday Night
SOAL: Thank God fur the September Weekend, nae work the morra
NAFOS: Been a while since you done a haun's turn, Arthur
SOAL: Ah wunner where the Roman romeo is the night ?
NAFOS: Probably a Militia meeting. Did ye see the maist recent fundraisin merchandise ?
SOAL: Whit wiz it, bog roll ur nail clippers ?
NAFOS: Naw it's a commemorative badge tae celebrate The Storming of Lodge Novo.
SOAL: They wur quick way that. Whit's the badge like ?
NAFOS: Well if ye cin picture the current Hibs crest wi the three features ay the castle fur Embra, the ship fur Leith and the harp for Ireland.
SOAL: Ah cin, Ah cin.
NAFOS: Well the Militia's his the Sellik crest, W and M interposed like a square and compass n...... yir gonnae love this... a peppered steak slice.
SOAL: Nae prizes fur guessin who designed that then.
NAFOS: Above the symbols it says Lodge Novo and below it says 2008
SOAL: That'll pure wind up the monsoons. Where can Ah git wan ?
NAFOS: Babbity Brewsters. Ask fur Pablo ur Dontbratt. A fiver a whip or three fur a score.
SOAL: Thank God fur the September Weekend, nae work the morra
NAFOS: Been a while since you done a haun's turn, Arthur
SOAL: Ah wunner where the Roman romeo is the night ?
NAFOS: Probably a Militia meeting. Did ye see the maist recent fundraisin merchandise ?
SOAL: Whit wiz it, bog roll ur nail clippers ?
NAFOS: Naw it's a commemorative badge tae celebrate The Storming of Lodge Novo.
SOAL: They wur quick way that. Whit's the badge like ?
NAFOS: Well if ye cin picture the current Hibs crest wi the three features ay the castle fur Embra, the ship fur Leith and the harp for Ireland.
SOAL: Ah cin, Ah cin.
NAFOS: Well the Militia's his the Sellik crest, W and M interposed like a square and compass n...... yir gonnae love this... a peppered steak slice.
SOAL: Nae prizes fur guessin who designed that then.
NAFOS: Above the symbols it says Lodge Novo and below it says 2008
SOAL: That'll pure wind up the monsoons. Where can Ah git wan ?
NAFOS: Babbity Brewsters. Ask fur Pablo ur Dontbratt. A fiver a whip or three fur a score.
The Gate In The Wood - Episode 47
WG: Look, Brother Alexanderson Ah'm no interestit in yir hoaspitality or yir Holy Trinity Lounge or...
FA: Cafe
WG: Ah thoat yi said it wiz a lounge.
FA: No, my wife, Cafe
WG: Whit aboot hur ?
FA: She's the hostess in the Howy Twinity Wounge.
WG: Big deal
FA: She's a gween gwape as well. I'll tell her to keep your gwasses overfwowing.
WG: Ah'll be declining your invitation, Bwuwa.
FA: Faiwenough but if you decide to use them I will see you at the Theatre of Dweams.
WG: Don't haud yir breath - in fact dae haud yir breath.
WG disconnects the call
FA: Cafe
WG: Ah thoat yi said it wiz a lounge.
FA: No, my wife, Cafe
WG: Whit aboot hur ?
FA: She's the hostess in the Howy Twinity Wounge.
WG: Big deal
FA: She's a gween gwape as well. I'll tell her to keep your gwasses overfwowing.
WG: Ah'll be declining your invitation, Bwuwa.
FA: Faiwenough but if you decide to use them I will see you at the Theatre of Dweams.
WG: Don't haud yir breath - in fact dae haud yir breath.
WG disconnects the call
The Gate In The Wood - Episode 46
WG: Ah don't like the sound ay the word 'entile', Brother. Anyway whit's this Howy Twinity Lounge aw aboot ?
FA: It's a wounge dedicated to thwee of United's gweatest Caffwik pwayers.
WG: Who ur they ?
FA: Paddy Cwewand, Bwian McCwair and Wou Macawi.
WG: Cin ye run the thurd wan by mi again ?
FA: Wou-Wou-skip-ta-ma-Wou.
WG: Oh aye, him. Three traitors if ye ask me. Whut herm did Jimmy Delaney dae yis ?
FA: Cwewand
WG: Ah thoat Paddy Cwewand wiz a third ay the Trinity.
FA: No, Dewaney came from Cwewand, it would just confuse people if we made it a Howy Quadity. We try to be cwystal cwear at Old Twafford, keep on the wight side of jounnawists and pappawazzi.
WG: Evidently
FA: It's a wounge dedicated to thwee of United's gweatest Caffwik pwayers.
WG: Who ur they ?
FA: Paddy Cwewand, Bwian McCwair and Wou Macawi.
WG: Cin ye run the thurd wan by mi again ?
FA: Wou-Wou-skip-ta-ma-Wou.
WG: Oh aye, him. Three traitors if ye ask me. Whut herm did Jimmy Delaney dae yis ?
FA: Cwewand
WG: Ah thoat Paddy Cwewand wiz a third ay the Trinity.
FA: No, Dewaney came from Cwewand, it would just confuse people if we made it a Howy Quadity. We try to be cwystal cwear at Old Twafford, keep on the wight side of jounnawists and pappawazzi.
WG: Evidently
The Gate In The Wood - Episode 45
FA: It is my sowemn obwigation to pursue your ewevation to the Degwee of Entered Appwentice.
WG: Brother Fergus, Ah huv is much inclination tae be a freemason is Ah huv tae be Broxy Bear.
FA: You could awways be our mascot, Fwed The Wed.
WG: Fwed The Wed ? Ah hate Banchester United, Ah hate the Stwetford End n Ah really really hate YOU. Ah'm a Tim n a Gooner. I despise freemasonry, Mancunia and all they represent.
FA: What about the foafcoming match at Old Twafford ?
WG: Ah hope we gub yis six-wan and ye cin tell that cheating wee tramp, Giggs, tae stey oan ays feet this time.
FA: I will wemonstwate wi Wyan, see what I can do. Anyway I have taken the wiberty of posting four executive passes to your home addwess in Wanackshire. They entiles you to fwee hospitawity in the Howy Twinity Wounge.
WG: Brother Fergus, Ah huv is much inclination tae be a freemason is Ah huv tae be Broxy Bear.
FA: You could awways be our mascot, Fwed The Wed.
WG: Fwed The Wed ? Ah hate Banchester United, Ah hate the Stwetford End n Ah really really hate YOU. Ah'm a Tim n a Gooner. I despise freemasonry, Mancunia and all they represent.
FA: What about the foafcoming match at Old Twafford ?
WG: Ah hope we gub yis six-wan and ye cin tell that cheating wee tramp, Giggs, tae stey oan ays feet this time.
FA: I will wemonstwate wi Wyan, see what I can do. Anyway I have taken the wiberty of posting four executive passes to your home addwess in Wanackshire. They entiles you to fwee hospitawity in the Howy Twinity Wounge.
The Gate In The Wood - Episode 44
WG's new/Arthur Lee's old mobile sounds wi a tune fae some 80s band naybdy's ever heard ay - our hero makes a mental note to replace it with The Seeds' Pushin Too Hard
FA: Hewo, may I speak to Winston Bwegkamp Gemmell ?
WG: WinninGemmell speaking, who's calling ?
FA: It's Sir Fergus Awexanderson
WG: How in the name ay the wee Jinky did you get my number ?
FA: Catwiona gave me a sewection of phone numbers fwom your bank wecords and those of your fweinds and acquaintances. This one is supposed to bewong to Affa Wee.
WG: Aye, it's Arthur's auld moby - your masonic cronies confiscated mine ye might remember. Huv ye stoapd stickin the heid oan folk yit ?
FA: What are you wefewwing to Winston ?
WG: Boaby Murdoch. 1969. Eftir Big Billy loast yi for the first goal. Ah'll niva forgive ye fur that.
FA: Winston, pwease wet bygones be bygones.
WG: Bygones ? Ye were gonnae stick yir pwick in mi.
FA: It was onwy part of the witual.
WG: Ah'll witual ye. Anyway whit ur ye waantin ?
FA: I just thought I'd phone to wish yis all the best for the match against Viwwaweal.
WG: Who ur ye tryin tae kid ?
FA: I want all the Bwitish cwubs to do well and quawify for the watter stages.
WG: Whit dae yi really want, Brother Alexanderson ?
FA: Hewo, may I speak to Winston Bwegkamp Gemmell ?
WG: WinninGemmell speaking, who's calling ?
FA: It's Sir Fergus Awexanderson
WG: How in the name ay the wee Jinky did you get my number ?
FA: Catwiona gave me a sewection of phone numbers fwom your bank wecords and those of your fweinds and acquaintances. This one is supposed to bewong to Affa Wee.
WG: Aye, it's Arthur's auld moby - your masonic cronies confiscated mine ye might remember. Huv ye stoapd stickin the heid oan folk yit ?
FA: What are you wefewwing to Winston ?
WG: Boaby Murdoch. 1969. Eftir Big Billy loast yi for the first goal. Ah'll niva forgive ye fur that.
FA: Winston, pwease wet bygones be bygones.
WG: Bygones ? Ye were gonnae stick yir pwick in mi.
FA: It was onwy part of the witual.
WG: Ah'll witual ye. Anyway whit ur ye waantin ?
FA: I just thought I'd phone to wish yis all the best for the match against Viwwaweal.
WG: Who ur ye tryin tae kid ?
FA: I want all the Bwitish cwubs to do well and quawify for the watter stages.
WG: Whit dae yi really want, Brother Alexanderson ?
The Gate In The Wood - Episode 43
Duffield phones Browning's Bakery
Brownings: Browning's Bakery, say 'NICE' tae a peppered steak slice. You're through to Bertha, how may I help you ?
GD: Hi Bertha, I'm looking to talk with Brown Browning ?
Bertha: Would that be Brown Browning Snr or Brown Browning Jnr ?
GD: I'm rather not sure. I did not know there were two.
Bertha: Is the Brown you seek male or female ?
GD: How do you know of my interest in such matters ?
Bertha: I don't or, rather, I didn't. Male or female, Mr ...... ?
GD: Er....... Duffield, Gordon Duffield and..... er ... male ... please.
Bertha: One moment whilst I transfer you - bet that's not the first time you've heard that line, Mustscore Duffield !!
Brown Browning Snr: Brown Browning, how may I assist you ?
GD: You can start by sacking that cheeky bitch of a receptionist, Bertha.
BB: How dare you insult my wife, Brother Duffield.
GD: My apologies Brown. I'm stressed out my tree just now with all the Lodge trouble, Boynita being on my case, failing health and a lack of sponsorship.
BB: Failing health ? That's a bit rich, Duffield. You weren't the one held to ransom by some of Lanarkshire most feared freedom-fighters.
GD: Terrorists, Browning.
BB: I was lucky to escape with my life, for pity's sake. I hate to add to your woes but I'm unilaterally cancelling the Lodge catering contract. You can advise Ramsay I'll make good any financial shortfall.
GD: You can't do this to me, Brother Browning.
BB: I can, I will and I just have. Anyway why do you call ?
GD: Oh it's all rather pointless now. I was going to request a favour and ask you to sponsor the Scottish Cup.
BB: You've a right cheek, Duffield. I'd rather sponsor the European Cup replica at Parkheid than help you out. Would there be anything else ? I'm a busy man.
GD: Yes. Is there any truth in the story that your famed recipe for the fondant in the Narrowboat macaroon bar doubles as a soothing agent for itchy and blistering scalps ?
BB: As a matter of fact there is. I'll have a five-litre tub delivered to SFA Headquarters first thing tomorrow morning. Anything else? I really must press on.
GD: Yes, what age is your daughter, Brown Browning Jnr ?
BB: Our future business will be conducted solely on the square, Brother Duffield. Goodbye.
Brownings: Browning's Bakery, say 'NICE' tae a peppered steak slice. You're through to Bertha, how may I help you ?
GD: Hi Bertha, I'm looking to talk with Brown Browning ?
Bertha: Would that be Brown Browning Snr or Brown Browning Jnr ?
GD: I'm rather not sure. I did not know there were two.
Bertha: Is the Brown you seek male or female ?
GD: How do you know of my interest in such matters ?
Bertha: I don't or, rather, I didn't. Male or female, Mr ...... ?
GD: Er....... Duffield, Gordon Duffield and..... er ... male ... please.
Bertha: One moment whilst I transfer you - bet that's not the first time you've heard that line, Mustscore Duffield !!
Brown Browning Snr: Brown Browning, how may I assist you ?
GD: You can start by sacking that cheeky bitch of a receptionist, Bertha.
BB: How dare you insult my wife, Brother Duffield.
GD: My apologies Brown. I'm stressed out my tree just now with all the Lodge trouble, Boynita being on my case, failing health and a lack of sponsorship.
BB: Failing health ? That's a bit rich, Duffield. You weren't the one held to ransom by some of Lanarkshire most feared freedom-fighters.
GD: Terrorists, Browning.
BB: I was lucky to escape with my life, for pity's sake. I hate to add to your woes but I'm unilaterally cancelling the Lodge catering contract. You can advise Ramsay I'll make good any financial shortfall.
GD: You can't do this to me, Brother Browning.
BB: I can, I will and I just have. Anyway why do you call ?
GD: Oh it's all rather pointless now. I was going to request a favour and ask you to sponsor the Scottish Cup.
BB: You've a right cheek, Duffield. I'd rather sponsor the European Cup replica at Parkheid than help you out. Would there be anything else ? I'm a busy man.
GD: Yes. Is there any truth in the story that your famed recipe for the fondant in the Narrowboat macaroon bar doubles as a soothing agent for itchy and blistering scalps ?
BB: As a matter of fact there is. I'll have a five-litre tub delivered to SFA Headquarters first thing tomorrow morning. Anything else? I really must press on.
GD: Yes, what age is your daughter, Brown Browning Jnr ?
BB: Our future business will be conducted solely on the square, Brother Duffield. Goodbye.
The Gate In The Wood - Summary
The whole sorry saga so far in summary form -
Cash-strapped WG is sent with a flea in his ear to his banking adviser, buxom darnelista, Boynita. The bank beauty provides temporary but only financial relief for our hero who sets about plotting the downfall of her relationship with hated local referee, Dougal Stuart. Stuart is cunningly waylaid en route to officiating at Celtic's match at Fir Park and advised by the Wishaw Militia to terminate his links with Boynita. Things seem to be going swimmingly when the similarly-threatened but equally masonic Curry McMichael awards Celtic two penalties at Rugby Park. The day promises to get even better for WG when 'Boynita' unexpectedly calls and says she'll be in The Square & Compass pub post-match. Disaster strikes when Our Bhoy falls into the trap that has been set up not by Boynita but by Stuart's new lover, the bank receptionist and maiden-name-fetishist, Catriona. WG finds himself a compass prick away from the First Degree when he is rescued by the Wishaw Militia who have arrived at Lodge Novo (aka The Square & Compass)in the Trojan Horse form of a Brownings Bakery van. Gemmell is rescued but the repercussions are set to.... er ... roll and roll.
Characters to date:-
WG - WinninGemmell, aka Winston Kenneth Mathieson Dalglish Bergkamp Thomas Burns Gemmell, also referred to by Boynita as Winst, by the masonic community as Winston Bergkamp Gemmell and by the Wishaw Militia (of which he is Commander-in-Chief) as Dick Collins.
Boynita - blouse-busting bank babe from Ayrshire, Boynita's boniest skeleton so far is the fact that she is the daughter of ....
Sir Gordon Duffield - WG's sworn enemy, former-Ranger,Right Worthy Master of Lodge Novo and Chief Executive of the SFA, friend of.....
Dougal Stuart - Lananarkshire-based masonic referee and former lover of Boynita who works beside ....
Catriona - gold-digging multi-faced darnelist witch of loose morals who is currently seeing Dougal Stuart but who is eyeing.....
Ramsay Gordon - celebrity masonic chef and ex-Ranger, friend of....
Curry McMichael - part-time pastor-referee and full time mason, friend of.........
Sir Fergus Alexanderson - word-slaughtering masonic manager of Banchester United, friend of......
Brown Browning - baker to the brethern, Browning was also kidnapped by the Wishaw Militia to facilitate the rescue of WG from Lodge Novo.
Wilma - Duffield's secretary.
The Good Ghuys (so far) :-
NAFOS - aka Naf
SOAL - aka Arthur or Arthur Lee
Ulysses McGhee - aka Uly
The Badger - Monday night drinking partner of The Lhads
Curly - first person to represent the wider CQN community, one of WG's Top Thousand Protestants and a bald fly in Duffield's ointment.
Cash-strapped WG is sent with a flea in his ear to his banking adviser, buxom darnelista, Boynita. The bank beauty provides temporary but only financial relief for our hero who sets about plotting the downfall of her relationship with hated local referee, Dougal Stuart. Stuart is cunningly waylaid en route to officiating at Celtic's match at Fir Park and advised by the Wishaw Militia to terminate his links with Boynita. Things seem to be going swimmingly when the similarly-threatened but equally masonic Curry McMichael awards Celtic two penalties at Rugby Park. The day promises to get even better for WG when 'Boynita' unexpectedly calls and says she'll be in The Square & Compass pub post-match. Disaster strikes when Our Bhoy falls into the trap that has been set up not by Boynita but by Stuart's new lover, the bank receptionist and maiden-name-fetishist, Catriona. WG finds himself a compass prick away from the First Degree when he is rescued by the Wishaw Militia who have arrived at Lodge Novo (aka The Square & Compass)in the Trojan Horse form of a Brownings Bakery van. Gemmell is rescued but the repercussions are set to.... er ... roll and roll.
Characters to date:-
WG - WinninGemmell, aka Winston Kenneth Mathieson Dalglish Bergkamp Thomas Burns Gemmell, also referred to by Boynita as Winst, by the masonic community as Winston Bergkamp Gemmell and by the Wishaw Militia (of which he is Commander-in-Chief) as Dick Collins.
Boynita - blouse-busting bank babe from Ayrshire, Boynita's boniest skeleton so far is the fact that she is the daughter of ....
Sir Gordon Duffield - WG's sworn enemy, former-Ranger,Right Worthy Master of Lodge Novo and Chief Executive of the SFA, friend of.....
Dougal Stuart - Lananarkshire-based masonic referee and former lover of Boynita who works beside ....
Catriona - gold-digging multi-faced darnelist witch of loose morals who is currently seeing Dougal Stuart but who is eyeing.....
Ramsay Gordon - celebrity masonic chef and ex-Ranger, friend of....
Curry McMichael - part-time pastor-referee and full time mason, friend of.........
Sir Fergus Alexanderson - word-slaughtering masonic manager of Banchester United, friend of......
Brown Browning - baker to the brethern, Browning was also kidnapped by the Wishaw Militia to facilitate the rescue of WG from Lodge Novo.
Wilma - Duffield's secretary.
The Good Ghuys (so far) :-
NAFOS - aka Naf
SOAL - aka Arthur or Arthur Lee
Ulysses McGhee - aka Uly
The Badger - Monday night drinking partner of The Lhads
Curly - first person to represent the wider CQN community, one of WG's Top Thousand Protestants and a bald fly in Duffield's ointment.
The Gate In The Wood - Episode 42
GD: As a matter of fact I have, Dougal, and she's not a happy .... er ..... bunny. It seems she has a rival for your affection. Be on the level with me here.
DS: You know we needed to get Catriona onside as a means of ensnaring Winston Bergkamp Gemmell. I was merely the conduit !
GD: I'd rather not go there, Brother Stuart. That was one almighty fiasco which has provoked the ire of The Grand Lodge of Scotland. Even Boynita knows what happened. I mean to progress, Dougal. I have made it to the summit of the SFA and I now intend to scale the heights of The Craft. Cut off all ties with Catriona PDQ, Brother Stuart. I'll be in touch. In the meantime - cover your work.
Duffield disconnects the call and slides a pencil under his fringe. His scalp is beginning to blister with the enormous stress he is under, another day, another problem and still no sponsor for the Scottish Cup. His troubled mind then turns to Brother Brown Browning and a possible solution
DS: You know we needed to get Catriona onside as a means of ensnaring Winston Bergkamp Gemmell. I was merely the conduit !
GD: I'd rather not go there, Brother Stuart. That was one almighty fiasco which has provoked the ire of The Grand Lodge of Scotland. Even Boynita knows what happened. I mean to progress, Dougal. I have made it to the summit of the SFA and I now intend to scale the heights of The Craft. Cut off all ties with Catriona PDQ, Brother Stuart. I'll be in touch. In the meantime - cover your work.
Duffield disconnects the call and slides a pencil under his fringe. His scalp is beginning to blister with the enormous stress he is under, another day, another problem and still no sponsor for the Scottish Cup. His troubled mind then turns to Brother Brown Browning and a possible solution
The Gate In The Wood - Episode 41
SFA: Scottish Football Association, Wilma speaking, how much would you spend to watch Argentina ?
DS: May I speak to Bro..... er... Sir Gordon Duffield please, Wilms
W: Certainly sir
GD: Gordon Duffield, Chief Executive, how may I assist you ?
DS: ' morning, Sir Gordon. Are you looking forward to the weekend's fixture at Easter Road ?
GD: I've never had much time for Hibs, Dougal, it's always a trcky place to visit, a notorious venue.
DS: Oh I'm sure we'll get there in the end
GD: I sincerely hope so. Anyway how can I help you Dougal ?
DS: Just a small favour regarding the CIS Cup quarter-final draw..
GD: Home to Hamilton - it could have been less favourable, Dougal.
DS: Yes, but there's always the banana-skin factor. Remember Adrian Sprott ?
GD: Of course I do, how could I forget - a rancid blemish on our unblemished and dignified history.
DS: Well I'd like to offer my services, ensure there are no hiccups on the night.
GD: If you get a quarter you can't get a semi.
DS: Have you been talking to Boynita ?
DS: May I speak to Bro..... er... Sir Gordon Duffield please, Wilms
W: Certainly sir
GD: Gordon Duffield, Chief Executive, how may I assist you ?
DS: ' morning, Sir Gordon. Are you looking forward to the weekend's fixture at Easter Road ?
GD: I've never had much time for Hibs, Dougal, it's always a trcky place to visit, a notorious venue.
DS: Oh I'm sure we'll get there in the end
GD: I sincerely hope so. Anyway how can I help you Dougal ?
DS: Just a small favour regarding the CIS Cup quarter-final draw..
GD: Home to Hamilton - it could have been less favourable, Dougal.
DS: Yes, but there's always the banana-skin factor. Remember Adrian Sprott ?
GD: Of course I do, how could I forget - a rancid blemish on our unblemished and dignified history.
DS: Well I'd like to offer my services, ensure there are no hiccups on the night.
GD: If you get a quarter you can't get a semi.
DS: Have you been talking to Boynita ?
Thursday 29 January 2009
The Gate In The Wood - Episode 40
Boynita (on phone) : Daddy ?
GD: Boyne ! How are you darling ? How are things in That Wishaw ?
B: Daddy, was there any trouble in Lodge Novo on Sunday night ?
GD: Boyne, you know we don't tolerate trouble in The Craft. Why do you ask ?
B: I heard some misfortune had befallen Brown Browning - some sort of Killie kidnappimg involving popguns and peppered steak slices.
GD: Rumours, Boyne. Rumours spread by some gormless Tim on Celtic Quick News. My money would be on yon Curly, has that teuchter never heard of syrup of fig ?
B: Kilwinning, Kilmarnock and Kilmaurs are very small towns, daddy. Word spreads like wildfire.
GD: OK there was a minor incident but the main thing is your boyfriend, Dougal, was unharmed. How are you two coming along ?
B: He ditched me daddy.
GD: Really ?
B: Yes and my intuition tells me he's seeing that weasel-faced Catriona.
GD: Catriona's the salt of the earth, Boyne. A nicer lassie....
B: .....She's a two-faced witch, daddy. I want YOU to scupper her and Dougal Stuart.
GD: But Stuart's a made man, Boyne. My hands are tied on this one.
B: And you're the man in The Chair, dad. Sort them out or we're history, Hiram.
GD: Boyne ! How are you darling ? How are things in That Wishaw ?
B: Daddy, was there any trouble in Lodge Novo on Sunday night ?
GD: Boyne, you know we don't tolerate trouble in The Craft. Why do you ask ?
B: I heard some misfortune had befallen Brown Browning - some sort of Killie kidnappimg involving popguns and peppered steak slices.
GD: Rumours, Boyne. Rumours spread by some gormless Tim on Celtic Quick News. My money would be on yon Curly, has that teuchter never heard of syrup of fig ?
B: Kilwinning, Kilmarnock and Kilmaurs are very small towns, daddy. Word spreads like wildfire.
GD: OK there was a minor incident but the main thing is your boyfriend, Dougal, was unharmed. How are you two coming along ?
B: He ditched me daddy.
GD: Really ?
B: Yes and my intuition tells me he's seeing that weasel-faced Catriona.
GD: Catriona's the salt of the earth, Boyne. A nicer lassie....
B: .....She's a two-faced witch, daddy. I want YOU to scupper her and Dougal Stuart.
GD: But Stuart's a made man, Boyne. My hands are tied on this one.
B: And you're the man in The Chair, dad. Sort them out or we're history, Hiram.
The Gate In The Wood - Episode 39
SOAL: Boynita asked me tae gie ye this
WG: Whit is it Arthur ?
SOAL: A note ay hur mobile number, she thinks ye might huv stored it in yir phone thit wiz stolen bi the monsoons.
WG: Ah did bit Ah think Ah'll sling hur a deefy. Nuhin bit trouble since Ah goat in tow wi hur.
NAFOS: Yi canny dae that. Phone the lassie and thank hur fur savin ye fae the depravity ay the First Degree. Least ye cin dae.
The Badger: Aye, ye owe her that much, WG.
WG: Ah'll mibbe phone hur the morra night eftir the Livvy gemme. Embdy goat a spare moby wi a SIM caird ?
SOAL: Funny yi shid ask. Ah'll sell ye this wan fur a daft fiver n a double voddy wi a teardrap ay cola, nae ice.
WG: Whit is it Arthur ?
SOAL: A note ay hur mobile number, she thinks ye might huv stored it in yir phone thit wiz stolen bi the monsoons.
WG: Ah did bit Ah think Ah'll sling hur a deefy. Nuhin bit trouble since Ah goat in tow wi hur.
NAFOS: Yi canny dae that. Phone the lassie and thank hur fur savin ye fae the depravity ay the First Degree. Least ye cin dae.
The Badger: Aye, ye owe her that much, WG.
WG: Ah'll mibbe phone hur the morra night eftir the Livvy gemme. Embdy goat a spare moby wi a SIM caird ?
SOAL: Funny yi shid ask. Ah'll sell ye this wan fur a daft fiver n a double voddy wi a teardrap ay cola, nae ice.
The Gate In The Wood - Episode 38
WG: Typical ay you, Arthur, bit Ah like yir style, amigo
SOAL: N the rest ye know aboot. Wi goat yi oot that heathen hole, returned tae Rugby Park, switched the vans n headit back tae ML2. Missio accompli.
NAFOS: Brilliant, Arthur Lee. A masterstroke.
SOAL: Aye, AH think Ah diserv a wee drink. It's your shout, NAFOS.
SOAL: N the rest ye know aboot. Wi goat yi oot that heathen hole, returned tae Rugby Park, switched the vans n headit back tae ML2. Missio accompli.
NAFOS: Brilliant, Arthur Lee. A masterstroke.
SOAL: Aye, AH think Ah diserv a wee drink. It's your shout, NAFOS.
The Gate In The Wood - Episode 37
SOAL: So Ah gethirt the Bhoys the gither n headit doon the A71
WG: N how did ye nobble Brother Browning ?
SOAL: Wi caught him comin oot ay Rugby Park wi the leftowers fae the gemme. Wi commandeered his vehicle n asked him whit his plans wir fur the night......... n......Bingo !!!
The Badger: Yi made him an oaffir hi cudny refuse ?
SOAL: Naw, he made ME an oaffir Ah cudny refuse.
NAFOS: Whit ?
SOAL: He said 'If yi spare ma life Ah'll git yi access tae Lodge Novo where yir pal is'.
NAFOS: N whit did ye reply ?
SOAL: 'If yi throw in a cupla peppered steak slices it's a deal'
WG: N how did ye nobble Brother Browning ?
SOAL: Wi caught him comin oot ay Rugby Park wi the leftowers fae the gemme. Wi commandeered his vehicle n asked him whit his plans wir fur the night......... n......Bingo !!!
The Badger: Yi made him an oaffir hi cudny refuse ?
SOAL: Naw, he made ME an oaffir Ah cudny refuse.
NAFOS: Whit ?
SOAL: He said 'If yi spare ma life Ah'll git yi access tae Lodge Novo where yir pal is'.
NAFOS: N whit did ye reply ?
SOAL: 'If yi throw in a cupla peppered steak slices it's a deal'
The Gate In The Wood - Episode 36
SOAL: Yi'v the large-breasted Boynita tae thank fur that.
WG: How come ?
SOAL: Shi tried tae phone ye last night n yir moby wiz switched aff. Shi panicked n goat in touch wi me.
WG: How did shi git your number ?
SOAL: Shi knows ma maw's maiden name. Shi went tae the bank, accessed ma details n goat ma number that wey.
NAFOS: Is that legal ?
SOAL: That's neither here nur there, Naf.
WG: Then whut happened ?
SOAL: She phoned mi n Ah said ' You're meant tae bi WG in The Square & Compass' - that's when shi goat fraught.
The Badger: She knows the pub-dash-lodge ?
SOAL: Evidently. Remember shi comes fae doon that wey.
WG: So whit did Boynita say ?
SOAL: Thit yi wur in danger - 'A bam tae the slaughter' wiz the phrase shi used Ah think.
WG: Whit ?
SOAL: Aye, she suspects yon Catriona ay foul play.
WG: That yin's a wee darnelist bitch. Ah'll Sudocrem hur aw right. Hur n that scumbag Stuart.
WG: How come ?
SOAL: Shi tried tae phone ye last night n yir moby wiz switched aff. Shi panicked n goat in touch wi me.
WG: How did shi git your number ?
SOAL: Shi knows ma maw's maiden name. Shi went tae the bank, accessed ma details n goat ma number that wey.
NAFOS: Is that legal ?
SOAL: That's neither here nur there, Naf.
WG: Then whut happened ?
SOAL: She phoned mi n Ah said ' You're meant tae bi WG in The Square & Compass' - that's when shi goat fraught.
The Badger: She knows the pub-dash-lodge ?
SOAL: Evidently. Remember shi comes fae doon that wey.
WG: So whit did Boynita say ?
SOAL: Thit yi wur in danger - 'A bam tae the slaughter' wiz the phrase shi used Ah think.
WG: Whit ?
SOAL: Aye, she suspects yon Catriona ay foul play.
WG: That yin's a wee darnelist bitch. Ah'll Sudocrem hur aw right. Hur n that scumbag Stuart.
The Gate In The Wood - Episode 35
NAFOS: Cin Ah touch upon a sensitive issue here, WG ?
WG: Fire away amigo
NAFOS: Did the militia git tae yi in time ?
WG: Course they did. Ah'm here int Ah ?
NAFOS: That's no whut Ah mean. Did they git tae yi afore they stuck the pwick intae ye ?
WG: It's a compass, Naf - the jaggy end ay a compass. They pierce yir breast wi it.
SOAL: If they'd stabbed yi wid ye chinge yir Militia name fae Commander Collins tae Padraig Pierce ?
WG: Shhhhh, Arthur, loose talk costs lives. Enywey it didnae git tae that stage or yi'd bi drinkin wi a First Degree mason. Noo, Ah've goat a question fur you guys. How in God's name did yis find mi ?
WG: Fire away amigo
NAFOS: Did the militia git tae yi in time ?
WG: Course they did. Ah'm here int Ah ?
NAFOS: That's no whut Ah mean. Did they git tae yi afore they stuck the pwick intae ye ?
WG: It's a compass, Naf - the jaggy end ay a compass. They pierce yir breast wi it.
SOAL: If they'd stabbed yi wid ye chinge yir Militia name fae Commander Collins tae Padraig Pierce ?
WG: Shhhhh, Arthur, loose talk costs lives. Enywey it didnae git tae that stage or yi'd bi drinkin wi a First Degree mason. Noo, Ah've goat a question fur you guys. How in God's name did yis find mi ?
The Gate In The Wood - Episode 34
Teser Monday Club, 8pm
NAFOS: So tell is aboot the inner workings of The Craft, WG
WG: They're a bunch ay freaks, Naf. It wiz dead dark so Ah wisnae able to make maist ay thum oot but some declared thirsel n Ah recognised another wan's voice.
SOAL: Who declared thirsel ?
WG: Well, worryingly, the wan who wiz assigned tae me wiz none other than Sir Fergus Alexanderson, cuwwent manager of Banchester United.
NAFOS: That pwick ? Well his voice is definitely distinctive.
The Badger: Bit whit wiz he daein in Kilmarnock ?
WG: Probly spyin oan is afore the Champions League gemme.
SOAL: He wiz talkin up wee McGeady an aw, mibbe he plans tae sign the Glasgow-born Irishman during the Janyiry transfer windae.
NAFOS: Who else wiz there ?
WG: Dougal Stuart n Curry McMichael.
The Badger: Nae surprises there then.
WG: Well McMichael wiz reffin the gemme n Ah think Stuart's goat friends in that neck ay the widz.
SOAL: So two celebrity refs
WG: Aye n wan celebrity chef
The Badger: Who wiz that then ?
WG: That tossah Ramsay Gordon thit used to play fur the darnel.
NAFOS: Embdy else wi know, WG ?
WG: Aye, the Right Worthy Master wi the bools in his mooth. Ah'm sure that voice bilangs tae wan Sir Gordon Duffield.
The Badger: Ivry chance, he played fur Kilmarnock is well is the darnel.
NAFOS: So tell is aboot the inner workings of The Craft, WG
WG: They're a bunch ay freaks, Naf. It wiz dead dark so Ah wisnae able to make maist ay thum oot but some declared thirsel n Ah recognised another wan's voice.
SOAL: Who declared thirsel ?
WG: Well, worryingly, the wan who wiz assigned tae me wiz none other than Sir Fergus Alexanderson, cuwwent manager of Banchester United.
NAFOS: That pwick ? Well his voice is definitely distinctive.
The Badger: Bit whit wiz he daein in Kilmarnock ?
WG: Probly spyin oan is afore the Champions League gemme.
SOAL: He wiz talkin up wee McGeady an aw, mibbe he plans tae sign the Glasgow-born Irishman during the Janyiry transfer windae.
NAFOS: Who else wiz there ?
WG: Dougal Stuart n Curry McMichael.
The Badger: Nae surprises there then.
WG: Well McMichael wiz reffin the gemme n Ah think Stuart's goat friends in that neck ay the widz.
SOAL: So two celebrity refs
WG: Aye n wan celebrity chef
The Badger: Who wiz that then ?
WG: That tossah Ramsay Gordon thit used to play fur the darnel.
NAFOS: Embdy else wi know, WG ?
WG: Aye, the Right Worthy Master wi the bools in his mooth. Ah'm sure that voice bilangs tae wan Sir Gordon Duffield.
The Badger: Ivry chance, he played fur Kilmarnock is well is the darnel.
The Gate In The Wood - Episode 33
Tyler: Excellent, Brother Browning. Reserve me a peppered steak slice, they look wonderful. And so to the passwords.... Will you half or will I half ?
B: I will half throughout.
Tyler : Then proceed.
B: Gregor
Tyler: Stevens. Proceed.
B: Boaby
Tyler: Waatsin. Proceed.
B: Pamela
Tyler: Ewing. You may enter the Temple slipshod, Brother Browning.
Browning unlaces a shoe as the lodge door swings ajar. At the same moment the bakery van doors open and the armed Elite Squadroni of The Wishaw Militia pile out and race into the lodge. Bridies and peppered steak slices fly through the air. Alert to the danger the masons escape through a secret aperture in the southwest wall leaving WBG alone on the square dressed as befits an Entered Apprentice in-the-making.
SOAL: You look like a 1980s MP for Sussex Downs, Commander Collins.
WG: Don't just stand there, Arthur, unbind and unblind me for the love of God.
Arthur unshackles his friend and removes the hoodwink and noose. WG rolls down the leg of his white pyjamas and buttons up his cotton shirt.
WG: Where ur aw ma clays n stuff ?
SOAL: The monsoons must hav taken them aw away wi thum.
WG: The swines huv goat ma moby an aw.
SOAL: Aye, lucky fur you they did.
WG: In whit wey ?
SOAL: Ah'll tell ye the morra in the Teser. Lits git oot ay this cesspit ay a place.
WG: OK lads, back tae the van. Oan the double. A good joab well done. Help yirsel tae some macaroon bars. N lit Baker Browning go. He's goat enough oan his plate, him bein a ...... er..... currant bun.
B: I will half throughout.
Tyler : Then proceed.
B: Gregor
Tyler: Stevens. Proceed.
B: Boaby
Tyler: Waatsin. Proceed.
B: Pamela
Tyler: Ewing. You may enter the Temple slipshod, Brother Browning.
Browning unlaces a shoe as the lodge door swings ajar. At the same moment the bakery van doors open and the armed Elite Squadroni of The Wishaw Militia pile out and race into the lodge. Bridies and peppered steak slices fly through the air. Alert to the danger the masons escape through a secret aperture in the southwest wall leaving WBG alone on the square dressed as befits an Entered Apprentice in-the-making.
SOAL: You look like a 1980s MP for Sussex Downs, Commander Collins.
WG: Don't just stand there, Arthur, unbind and unblind me for the love of God.
Arthur unshackles his friend and removes the hoodwink and noose. WG rolls down the leg of his white pyjamas and buttons up his cotton shirt.
WG: Where ur aw ma clays n stuff ?
SOAL: The monsoons must hav taken them aw away wi thum.
WG: The swines huv goat ma moby an aw.
SOAL: Aye, lucky fur you they did.
WG: In whit wey ?
SOAL: Ah'll tell ye the morra in the Teser. Lits git oot ay this cesspit ay a place.
WG: OK lads, back tae the van. Oan the double. A good joab well done. Help yirsel tae some macaroon bars. N lit Baker Browning go. He's goat enough oan his plate, him bein a ...... er..... currant bun.
The Gate In The Wood - Episode 32
Tyler (on intercom): Who approacheth The Temple from The Wilderness ?
Browning: It is I, Brown Browning, Master Baker to the Brethern and of good standing in Lodge Tunnock, Uddingston 543.
Tyler: Your purpose, Brother Browning ?
B: To deliver ample quantities of baked products for consumption by the fraternal brotherly brethern at the Harmony held to celebrate the elevation of Winston Bergkamp Gemmell to the First Degree.
Tiler: Be indicative of the nature of such products
B: In no particular order I have shoartbreid in the form of Rabbie Burns' heid, bridies, Killie pies, oor famed Narrowboat macaroon baurs and the ubiquitous peppered steak slices.
Tiler: Can you confirm that none of this produce has been remaindered from this afternoon's unfortunate proceedings at Rugby Park and, further, that none of these sweetmeats have been touched by a green-and-white hand.
B: Mair thin ma joab's worth, Brother Tyler
Browning: It is I, Brown Browning, Master Baker to the Brethern and of good standing in Lodge Tunnock, Uddingston 543.
Tyler: Your purpose, Brother Browning ?
B: To deliver ample quantities of baked products for consumption by the fraternal brotherly brethern at the Harmony held to celebrate the elevation of Winston Bergkamp Gemmell to the First Degree.
Tiler: Be indicative of the nature of such products
B: In no particular order I have shoartbreid in the form of Rabbie Burns' heid, bridies, Killie pies, oor famed Narrowboat macaroon baurs and the ubiquitous peppered steak slices.
Tiler: Can you confirm that none of this produce has been remaindered from this afternoon's unfortunate proceedings at Rugby Park and, further, that none of these sweetmeats have been touched by a green-and-white hand.
B: Mair thin ma joab's worth, Brother Tyler
The Gate In The Wood - Episode 31
RWM: Brother Gordon, were you anticipating the arrival of refreshments ?
RG: Not till later. I have ordered Killie pies, Peppered Steak Slices and Macaroon Bars from Brother Brownings bakery. He has evidently arrived early with the purvey for the Harmony which will follow Winston Bergkamp Gemmell's elevation to Entered Apprentice.
RWM: The Lodge is adjourned for fifteen minutes. Tyler, lights please and allow Browning entry with the buffet.
RG: Not till later. I have ordered Killie pies, Peppered Steak Slices and Macaroon Bars from Brother Brownings bakery. He has evidently arrived early with the purvey for the Harmony which will follow Winston Bergkamp Gemmell's elevation to Entered Apprentice.
RWM: The Lodge is adjourned for fifteen minutes. Tyler, lights please and allow Browning entry with the buffet.
The Gate In The Wood - Episode 30
FA: ...... this I most sowemnwy and sincewewy pwomise and swear, with a fiwm and steadfast wesowution to keep and perform the same.... binding myself under no wess penawty than that of having my thwoat cut acwoss, my tongue torn out by its woots and my body buwied in the wough sands of the sea......
There is sudden loud knocking at the door
Tyler: I am alerted to cowans in the exterior.
RWM: Tyler, approach the spyglass and tell of said intruders.
Tyler: It is merely a delivery man from Browning Bakers with his van parked behind him. I see the the blue signage on the white paint.
RWM: What signage be that, Tyler ?
Tyler: " Say Aye Tae A Killie Pie "
RWM: Is the Lodge Catering Steward on The Square?
Steward: I am present
RWM: Identify yourself for all here.
Steward: It is I, Ramsay Gordon of good standing in Lodge Edmiston 102.5
There is sudden loud knocking at the door
Tyler: I am alerted to cowans in the exterior.
RWM: Tyler, approach the spyglass and tell of said intruders.
Tyler: It is merely a delivery man from Browning Bakers with his van parked behind him. I see the the blue signage on the white paint.
RWM: What signage be that, Tyler ?
Tyler: " Say Aye Tae A Killie Pie "
RWM: Is the Lodge Catering Steward on The Square?
Steward: I am present
RWM: Identify yourself for all here.
Steward: It is I, Ramsay Gordon of good standing in Lodge Edmiston 102.5
The Gate In The Wood - Episode 29
RWM: My thanks to you Brother Alexanderson. You will now take the place of Mr Gemmell for the remainder of the ritual. On conclusion of the ritual Winston Bergkamp Gemmell will be deemed to have attained the status of Entered Apprentice with you acting as proxy. Therefore it is to you, Brother Alexanderson, that Mr Gemmell will turn for further instruction in The Craft. Are we clear on this point ?
FA: You have dispwayed compwete cwawity, Wothy Pwotector of Widows and Ophans.
RWM: Excellent we will now proceed. Brother Jeweller, please produce the jaggy instrument.
Jeweller: I have it here, Worthy Master.
RWM: Brother Alexanderson, what do you see before you in the dwindling light of The Temple ?
FA: A pwick.
RWM: I DO beg your pardon, BROTHER Alexanderson.
FA: A compass to pwick the bweast of Winston Bwegkamp Gemmell.
RWM: All in good time. First of all the passwords. Will you begin or I begin ?
FA: I will begin if I may half.
RWM: You may half
FA: Twoball
RWM: Cain. Proceed.
FA: Will I half or you half first ?
RWM: I will half first. Deedle.
FA: Doddle.
RWM: Proceed. Will you half or will I half first?
FA: You will half first.
RWM: Girvan
FA: Wighthoose.
RWM: Good grief. Proceed to the Entered Apprentice oath so Mr Gemmell is left in no doubt as to the secret sacredness of our sacred secret secrets.
FA: You have dispwayed compwete cwawity, Wothy Pwotector of Widows and Ophans.
RWM: Excellent we will now proceed. Brother Jeweller, please produce the jaggy instrument.
Jeweller: I have it here, Worthy Master.
RWM: Brother Alexanderson, what do you see before you in the dwindling light of The Temple ?
FA: A pwick.
RWM: I DO beg your pardon, BROTHER Alexanderson.
FA: A compass to pwick the bweast of Winston Bwegkamp Gemmell.
RWM: All in good time. First of all the passwords. Will you begin or I begin ?
FA: I will begin if I may half.
RWM: You may half
FA: Twoball
RWM: Cain. Proceed.
FA: Will I half or you half first ?
RWM: I will half first. Deedle.
FA: Doddle.
RWM: Proceed. Will you half or will I half first?
FA: You will half first.
RWM: Girvan
FA: Wighthoose.
RWM: Good grief. Proceed to the Entered Apprentice oath so Mr Gemmell is left in no doubt as to the secret sacredness of our sacred secret secrets.
The Gate In The Wood - Episode 28
Lured by the prospect of some quality love time with blouse-bursting bank beauty, Boynita, WG finds himself entrapped and facing the First Degree in Lodge Novo, Kilmarnock.
RWM: Divest the candidate of all secular clothing - yes, even the Arsenal boxer shorts with the unsightly stain on the rear.
DS: Task completed, Your Supreme Raider of Tabernacles.
RWM: Divest the candidate of all metal including his Claddagh ring, Celtic crest pendant, cannon earring and that nipple thingy.
CMcM: Task completed, Your Ultimate Geometric Wizard of Translucent Carrots.
RWM: Hoodwink the candidate.
DS: The candidate has been thrust into darkness, Your Most Worthy Collector of Speckled Pebbles.
RWM: Bind the candidate. Make his stay short.
CMcM: The candidate has been bound with the fraternal ties of The Craft. He is neither barefoot nor slipshod, his breast is bared, his noose is fixed.
RWM: Lead the candidate to the Northeast corner of The temple.
WG: Is that where The Green Brigade sit ?
RWM: The candidate will maintain silence until questioned and will pay due respect to the dignified rite of initiation.
Tyler: The candidate is at Point North East of The Temple and awaits interrogation.
RWM: Winston Bergkamp Gemmell, do you come here of your own free will and as a free man ?
WG: Of course Ah don't and yis better no huv chinged the tune on ma mobile phone.
RWM: I'll take that as a 'Yes'. Secondly, Winston Bergkamp Gemmell, what do you seek ?
WG: Four-In-A-Row as a minimum
RWM: No Mr Gemmell, you seek LIGHT. Your persistent failure to comply with this august rite of initiation to the First Degree of Entered Apprentice leaves me with no option but to employ a proxy. As befits an orderly and presently formed Lodge I now seek a proxy for Mr Gemmell. Said Brother may not be Gemmell's proposer or seconder. Who will come to the aid of this blind and bound cowan-in-distress ?
Voice: I will, worshipful Master.
RWM: Identify yourself, Brother.
Voice: It is I, Bwother Fergus Alexanderson, being of good standing in Wodge Twafford, Wancashire 1968. I wiwwingwy vowunteer to be the pwoxy.
WG: Good God in Govan !
RWM: Divest the candidate of all secular clothing - yes, even the Arsenal boxer shorts with the unsightly stain on the rear.
DS: Task completed, Your Supreme Raider of Tabernacles.
RWM: Divest the candidate of all metal including his Claddagh ring, Celtic crest pendant, cannon earring and that nipple thingy.
CMcM: Task completed, Your Ultimate Geometric Wizard of Translucent Carrots.
RWM: Hoodwink the candidate.
DS: The candidate has been thrust into darkness, Your Most Worthy Collector of Speckled Pebbles.
RWM: Bind the candidate. Make his stay short.
CMcM: The candidate has been bound with the fraternal ties of The Craft. He is neither barefoot nor slipshod, his breast is bared, his noose is fixed.
RWM: Lead the candidate to the Northeast corner of The temple.
WG: Is that where The Green Brigade sit ?
RWM: The candidate will maintain silence until questioned and will pay due respect to the dignified rite of initiation.
Tyler: The candidate is at Point North East of The Temple and awaits interrogation.
RWM: Winston Bergkamp Gemmell, do you come here of your own free will and as a free man ?
WG: Of course Ah don't and yis better no huv chinged the tune on ma mobile phone.
RWM: I'll take that as a 'Yes'. Secondly, Winston Bergkamp Gemmell, what do you seek ?
WG: Four-In-A-Row as a minimum
RWM: No Mr Gemmell, you seek LIGHT. Your persistent failure to comply with this august rite of initiation to the First Degree of Entered Apprentice leaves me with no option but to employ a proxy. As befits an orderly and presently formed Lodge I now seek a proxy for Mr Gemmell. Said Brother may not be Gemmell's proposer or seconder. Who will come to the aid of this blind and bound cowan-in-distress ?
Voice: I will, worshipful Master.
RWM: Identify yourself, Brother.
Voice: It is I, Bwother Fergus Alexanderson, being of good standing in Wodge Twafford, Wancashire 1968. I wiwwingwy vowunteer to be the pwoxy.
WG: Good God in Govan !
The Gate In The Wood - Episode 27
Following a successful trip to Rugby Park where his gentle intimidation forced Curry McMichael to award Celtic two penalties WG has arranged to meet buxom bank beauty, Boynita at a Kilmarnock nightspot
Ootside The Square & Compass , Kilmarnock, Sunday Night
Bouncer: Lounge only.
WG: Ah'm here tae meet a friend ay mine, Boynita - blonde, big .... er ..... hit fur hersel
Bouncer: Aye, she's in the lounge. Private party in the bar. Invited guests only. On yir way. N cover that tap up or Ah'll stick wan oan ye.
WG enters The Hiram Lounge and the door is quickly slammed shut behind him. The room is plunged into darkness except for a lone spotlight which temporarily blinds our hero.
Right Worthy Master : Tyler, secure the entrance. Lodge Novo will commence shortly.
Tyler : Your Worshipful Keeper of The Templar's Foreskin, I detect a cowan of female gender.
RWM: Arise and exit, Sister Catriona of The Loyal Eastern Star, Darvel. You have provided sterling service to the craft and will be rewarded in due course. Expect a thoroughly unmerited work promotion before the birthday of Oor National Bard.
The Tyler ushers Catriona towards the exit
WG: Catriona, ye duped me into believin ye wur Boynita. How could ye ? Did Ah git ma maw's maiden name wrang again ?
Cat (over her shoulder): A small favour for my lover, Brother Stuart, Winston, and a slap in the face for that dirty turncoat witch, Boynita. Enjoy your initiation. Here's a tub of Sudocrem for the thereafters, you'll need it.
She exits
RWM : The lodge is duly formed, is on the square and ready to proceed. Which Brother presents the candidate ?
DS: Me, your Worshipful Guardian of The Gilded Grape. I, Brother Dougal Stuart, being of good standing within Lodge St Clair, Cumnethan, hereby present Winston Kenneth Mathieson Dalglish Bergkamp Burns Gemmell as a candidate for Entered Apprentice of the present and correctly formed and operative Lodge Novo, Kilmarnock 0961.
WG: Ahm Ah no suppostay volunteer fur this ?
RWM: The Candidate will kindly remain silent. Do we have a seconder for this poor mason who seeks light from his darkness ?
CMcM: Me, Sir Knight Commander of The Order of Penitent Antelopes. I, Brother Curry McMichael, being of good standing within Lodge Gascoigne, Gateshead 1873, second Brother Stuart's nomination of Mr Winston Bergkamp Gemmell.
RWM: Can we confirm that Winston Bergkamp Gemmell has not been blackballed in the recently convened Ballot at Lodge Burley, Kilmaurs ?
DS: Winston Bergkamp Gemmell passed muster and his candidacy is confirmed. However he barely scraped through The Seventeenth Scrutiny.
RWM: Expand for the lodge, Brother Stuart.
DS: Winston Bergkamp Gemmell has been discretely challenged with regard to The Seventeenth Scrutiny and been found wanting. The scrutiny in question relates to forbidden carnal relationships with Brother Masons' wives, fiancees, daughters, mothers, grandmothers, widows, girlfriends, lovers, bidey-ins and livestock.
RWM: Mere details, Brother Stuart.We are on the level and in a postion four-square-to-the-perpendicular to proceed. Prepare The Candidate for The First Degree and divest him of that hideous Celtic top immediately
Ootside The Square & Compass , Kilmarnock, Sunday Night
Bouncer: Lounge only.
WG: Ah'm here tae meet a friend ay mine, Boynita - blonde, big .... er ..... hit fur hersel
Bouncer: Aye, she's in the lounge. Private party in the bar. Invited guests only. On yir way. N cover that tap up or Ah'll stick wan oan ye.
WG enters The Hiram Lounge and the door is quickly slammed shut behind him. The room is plunged into darkness except for a lone spotlight which temporarily blinds our hero.
Right Worthy Master : Tyler, secure the entrance. Lodge Novo will commence shortly.
Tyler : Your Worshipful Keeper of The Templar's Foreskin, I detect a cowan of female gender.
RWM: Arise and exit, Sister Catriona of The Loyal Eastern Star, Darvel. You have provided sterling service to the craft and will be rewarded in due course. Expect a thoroughly unmerited work promotion before the birthday of Oor National Bard.
The Tyler ushers Catriona towards the exit
WG: Catriona, ye duped me into believin ye wur Boynita. How could ye ? Did Ah git ma maw's maiden name wrang again ?
Cat (over her shoulder): A small favour for my lover, Brother Stuart, Winston, and a slap in the face for that dirty turncoat witch, Boynita. Enjoy your initiation. Here's a tub of Sudocrem for the thereafters, you'll need it.
She exits
RWM : The lodge is duly formed, is on the square and ready to proceed. Which Brother presents the candidate ?
DS: Me, your Worshipful Guardian of The Gilded Grape. I, Brother Dougal Stuart, being of good standing within Lodge St Clair, Cumnethan, hereby present Winston Kenneth Mathieson Dalglish Bergkamp Burns Gemmell as a candidate for Entered Apprentice of the present and correctly formed and operative Lodge Novo, Kilmarnock 0961.
WG: Ahm Ah no suppostay volunteer fur this ?
RWM: The Candidate will kindly remain silent. Do we have a seconder for this poor mason who seeks light from his darkness ?
CMcM: Me, Sir Knight Commander of The Order of Penitent Antelopes. I, Brother Curry McMichael, being of good standing within Lodge Gascoigne, Gateshead 1873, second Brother Stuart's nomination of Mr Winston Bergkamp Gemmell.
RWM: Can we confirm that Winston Bergkamp Gemmell has not been blackballed in the recently convened Ballot at Lodge Burley, Kilmaurs ?
DS: Winston Bergkamp Gemmell passed muster and his candidacy is confirmed. However he barely scraped through The Seventeenth Scrutiny.
RWM: Expand for the lodge, Brother Stuart.
DS: Winston Bergkamp Gemmell has been discretely challenged with regard to The Seventeenth Scrutiny and been found wanting. The scrutiny in question relates to forbidden carnal relationships with Brother Masons' wives, fiancees, daughters, mothers, grandmothers, widows, girlfriends, lovers, bidey-ins and livestock.
RWM: Mere details, Brother Stuart.We are on the level and in a postion four-square-to-the-perpendicular to proceed. Prepare The Candidate for The First Degree and divest him of that hideous Celtic top immediately
The Gate In The Wood - Episode 26
Rugby Park, 21 September 2008 , Hauf-Time
WG: A peach so it wiz, that wiz the coarner Ah thoat he'd Ah put the penalty intae. Dae ye fancy a Killie pie ?
SOAL: If yir buyin, aye.
WG: Ah really like they peppered steak slices they dae here. Ah know it's a glorified steak bake bit Ah like thum, Ah really dae, even if wi ur peyin mair intae the Killie coffers.
WG's moby sounds, The Boys Of The Old Brigade, half the Celtic fans want tae kill him and the other half want tae lumber him
WG: Better take this, Arthur, here's the dosh fur the refreshments n don't furget ma chinge.
Arthur heads tae the pie stall
WG: WinninGemmell - make this good, I'm in a pre-peppered steak frame of my mind
Boynita: Hi Winst, how is your team doing today ?
WG: Wan-nil gaun oan six, pal. Yours ?
Boynita: It's just ended, Rangers won 2-1.
WG: Aw well, at least the mothers loast. Every Murdo MacLeod n aw that. Where ur ye ?
Boynita: I'm in the Ayrshire equivalent of your beloved Teser. I popped down to see my folks after all. Perhaps you'd care to meet here for a drink after the match. I'll make sure you get back to Wishaw in one piece. I've got the car.
WG: Ah dunno, Boyn. Ah've goat Arthur here an aw. He'll never bi able tae find his ain wey back tae the bus.
Boynita: There's no rush, Winst. Take Arthur back to the coach and then get a taxi here. I'll pay the driver on your arrival. Sound good to you ?
WG: It diz, actually.
Boynita: Then it's arranged. See you around seven then.
WG: Er, Boyn, whit's the name ay the pub ?
Boynita: The Square & Compass , you can't miss it. It's right in Kilmarnock town centre. See ya, Winst, mmmmwaahh.
TBC
WG: A peach so it wiz, that wiz the coarner Ah thoat he'd Ah put the penalty intae. Dae ye fancy a Killie pie ?
SOAL: If yir buyin, aye.
WG: Ah really like they peppered steak slices they dae here. Ah know it's a glorified steak bake bit Ah like thum, Ah really dae, even if wi ur peyin mair intae the Killie coffers.
WG's moby sounds, The Boys Of The Old Brigade, half the Celtic fans want tae kill him and the other half want tae lumber him
WG: Better take this, Arthur, here's the dosh fur the refreshments n don't furget ma chinge.
Arthur heads tae the pie stall
WG: WinninGemmell - make this good, I'm in a pre-peppered steak frame of my mind
Boynita: Hi Winst, how is your team doing today ?
WG: Wan-nil gaun oan six, pal. Yours ?
Boynita: It's just ended, Rangers won 2-1.
WG: Aw well, at least the mothers loast. Every Murdo MacLeod n aw that. Where ur ye ?
Boynita: I'm in the Ayrshire equivalent of your beloved Teser. I popped down to see my folks after all. Perhaps you'd care to meet here for a drink after the match. I'll make sure you get back to Wishaw in one piece. I've got the car.
WG: Ah dunno, Boyn. Ah've goat Arthur here an aw. He'll never bi able tae find his ain wey back tae the bus.
Boynita: There's no rush, Winst. Take Arthur back to the coach and then get a taxi here. I'll pay the driver on your arrival. Sound good to you ?
WG: It diz, actually.
Boynita: Then it's arranged. See you around seven then.
WG: Er, Boyn, whit's the name ay the pub ?
Boynita: The Square & Compass , you can't miss it. It's right in Kilmarnock town centre. See ya, Winst, mmmmwaahh.
TBC
Sunday 25 January 2009
The Gate In The Wood - Episode 25
Rugby Park, 21 September, 2008
SOAL:...... and you think the current team reminds you of Midget Gems ?
WG: Aye, especially the lemon n lime flavours when wur wearin that strip oot there
SOAL: Ah think you're slowly losin it, WineGum
WG: Boruc
SOAL: Whit abootum ?
WG: Whut kind ay sweetie diz he remind ye ay ?
SOAL: Wearin that tap, he'd need tae be a licorice midget gem or a a licorice tablet
WG: Or a Pole-o fruit - blackcurrant flavour
SOAL: Scott Broon ?
WG: Oddfellow
SOAL: Naka ?
WG: Jap dessert
SOAL: Wee Gordon ?
WG: Cough candy twist
SOAL: Naylor ?
WG: Ivrybody's Mixture
SOAL: Wilson ?
WG: Peanut brittle
SOAL: McManus ?
WG: A mix-up
SOAL: Aw right, whit aboot The Killjoys ?
WG: Chew-Chew Argentinas. Then the Falklands happened n they chinged the name tae Chew-Chew Colas bit they kept the blue-and-white stripes
SOAL: Which only leaves oor favrit ref, whit sweety wid he be ?
WG: Easy, an MB bar. Anywey Ah don't hink wull hae any problem wi McMichael the day. Ah asked Brother Stuart tae hae a polite word an Ah expect Brother McMichael tae bend ower backwards tae appease the .... er .... masses.
SOAL: Dae ye no hink yir sailin a bit close tae the wind wi aw this, WG ? Ye seem tae bi pittin the Tim in intimidation. Ye need tae watch whit........PENALTY !!!
WG: And he's given it. Joost watch Wee Maloney slam it in the sweety poke. C'mon the Midget Gem, stick it in the tap coarnir
Wee Maloney disny even hit the target
WG: Ah knew he wiz missin it Arthur. Ah could feel it in ma watter.
SOAL:...... and you think the current team reminds you of Midget Gems ?
WG: Aye, especially the lemon n lime flavours when wur wearin that strip oot there
SOAL: Ah think you're slowly losin it, WineGum
WG: Boruc
SOAL: Whit abootum ?
WG: Whut kind ay sweetie diz he remind ye ay ?
SOAL: Wearin that tap, he'd need tae be a licorice midget gem or a a licorice tablet
WG: Or a Pole-o fruit - blackcurrant flavour
SOAL: Scott Broon ?
WG: Oddfellow
SOAL: Naka ?
WG: Jap dessert
SOAL: Wee Gordon ?
WG: Cough candy twist
SOAL: Naylor ?
WG: Ivrybody's Mixture
SOAL: Wilson ?
WG: Peanut brittle
SOAL: McManus ?
WG: A mix-up
SOAL: Aw right, whit aboot The Killjoys ?
WG: Chew-Chew Argentinas. Then the Falklands happened n they chinged the name tae Chew-Chew Colas bit they kept the blue-and-white stripes
SOAL: Which only leaves oor favrit ref, whit sweety wid he be ?
WG: Easy, an MB bar. Anywey Ah don't hink wull hae any problem wi McMichael the day. Ah asked Brother Stuart tae hae a polite word an Ah expect Brother McMichael tae bend ower backwards tae appease the .... er .... masses.
SOAL: Dae ye no hink yir sailin a bit close tae the wind wi aw this, WG ? Ye seem tae bi pittin the Tim in intimidation. Ye need tae watch whit........PENALTY !!!
WG: And he's given it. Joost watch Wee Maloney slam it in the sweety poke. C'mon the Midget Gem, stick it in the tap coarnir
Wee Maloney disny even hit the target
WG: Ah knew he wiz missin it Arthur. Ah could feel it in ma watter.
The Gate In The Wood - Episode 24
Alliance Coaches
WG: Here wi go, Bhoys. A Coors in a Carling gless fur you, Mr Lee, and a Titanic Anchor fur you, Mr Naf
SOAL: Aye, this should go doon well
WG: Ah'll dae the jokes, Naf. Anywey here's tae the burd wi the green wing...
NAFOS:.....tae an Irish Pope n a Catholic King, may the men of...
SOAL: Haw you two, nane ay yon sectarian nonsense
they clink their glasses
WG: It seems tae bi aw rite fur that mob ower there
WG gestures his head towards a table where a group of Rangers and Motherwell fans are polishing off a chummy breakfast
NAFOS: Aye they'll probably bi gittin the same bus intae Megiddo an aw, the swine's pigs
SOAL: Communal singin ay cultural songs. Their country, their heritage, Union Flags and The White Cliffs of Dover
WG: It'll no bi much better where we're gaun
NAFOS: Burns Country ?
WG: Well it used tae be. Fur a bad loat, they seemed tae hae plenty time fur Tam when he wiz the manager there
SOAL: That's cos they used tae beat us
WG: Good point Arthur. N then when he took ower it G40 he cudny git a result doon there, odd that
NAFOS: Yon funny smell's gaun away
The huns and hunettes pile onto an old rickety bus
WG: 'Alliance Coaches', Ah cudny huv put it any better masel
SOAL: Hame win in ma book
NAFOS: N then the Mothers cin blame fixture congestion n Euro-hangowers
WG: Ah'm mair concerned aboot oor lot tae bi honest eftir Wednesday's fiasco
SOAL: Well, Ah'd better shift. Whit time's the bus again, WG ?
WG: Two a'cloak - mind n bring a Key Largo
NAFOS: You fur the off an aw, WG, or dae ye waant a Gerbil's Wheel or some other concoction ?
WG: Naw, Ah'm aff tae the Neuk
NAFOS: Militia meetin ?
WG: Naw, mair serious thin that. Ah'm gaun tae visit ma maw n tell hur Ah'm gaunny bi seein a darnelist
NAFOS: Yi'll see it least fourteen the day n that's no countin Scott Broon
WG: The lovely if loyal Boynita
NAFOS: Oh aye. Listen, dae ye fancy a wee drink nixt weekend, wu'll juke Arthur, joost the two ay is ?
WG: Aye, nae probs, Naf, bit Ah'll tell ye the noo Ah'm no giein up Boyn up fur embdy
NAFOS: OK, see ye later. Ah'll text yi at hauf time. Keep that prized prat oot ay bother, won't ye.
WG: Here wi go, Bhoys. A Coors in a Carling gless fur you, Mr Lee, and a Titanic Anchor fur you, Mr Naf
SOAL: Aye, this should go doon well
WG: Ah'll dae the jokes, Naf. Anywey here's tae the burd wi the green wing...
NAFOS:.....tae an Irish Pope n a Catholic King, may the men of...
SOAL: Haw you two, nane ay yon sectarian nonsense
they clink their glasses
WG: It seems tae bi aw rite fur that mob ower there
WG gestures his head towards a table where a group of Rangers and Motherwell fans are polishing off a chummy breakfast
NAFOS: Aye they'll probably bi gittin the same bus intae Megiddo an aw, the swine's pigs
SOAL: Communal singin ay cultural songs. Their country, their heritage, Union Flags and The White Cliffs of Dover
WG: It'll no bi much better where we're gaun
NAFOS: Burns Country ?
WG: Well it used tae be. Fur a bad loat, they seemed tae hae plenty time fur Tam when he wiz the manager there
SOAL: That's cos they used tae beat us
WG: Good point Arthur. N then when he took ower it G40 he cudny git a result doon there, odd that
NAFOS: Yon funny smell's gaun away
The huns and hunettes pile onto an old rickety bus
WG: 'Alliance Coaches', Ah cudny huv put it any better masel
SOAL: Hame win in ma book
NAFOS: N then the Mothers cin blame fixture congestion n Euro-hangowers
WG: Ah'm mair concerned aboot oor lot tae bi honest eftir Wednesday's fiasco
SOAL: Well, Ah'd better shift. Whit time's the bus again, WG ?
WG: Two a'cloak - mind n bring a Key Largo
NAFOS: You fur the off an aw, WG, or dae ye waant a Gerbil's Wheel or some other concoction ?
WG: Naw, Ah'm aff tae the Neuk
NAFOS: Militia meetin ?
WG: Naw, mair serious thin that. Ah'm gaun tae visit ma maw n tell hur Ah'm gaunny bi seein a darnelist
NAFOS: Yi'll see it least fourteen the day n that's no countin Scott Broon
WG: The lovely if loyal Boynita
NAFOS: Oh aye. Listen, dae ye fancy a wee drink nixt weekend, wu'll juke Arthur, joost the two ay is ?
WG: Aye, nae probs, Naf, bit Ah'll tell ye the noo Ah'm no giein up Boyn up fur embdy
NAFOS: OK, see ye later. Ah'll text yi at hauf time. Keep that prized prat oot ay bother, won't ye.
The Gate In The Wood - Episode 23
Wide Range Alternative
Our Bhoys are outside the chapel post-Purgatory Card
WG: ...well Ah've a spare if ye waant it, Naf
NAFOS: Naw, Ah'm no upsettin ma away-gemme routine
WG: Ah thoat ye might've wi it bein a late kick-aff
NAFOS: Bit then wi widny git back tae Wishy till aboot 8 a'cloak - bi that time yir day's ower
WG: Anywey it's early yit, fancy a quick pint ?
NAFOS: Aye, may is well
Our Bhoys make the short walk to The Teser where they find SOAL devouring a Full English
WG: Morning, Arthur, whit's the scoop ?
SOAL: Ah'll hae a quick Coors in a Carling gless bit Ah need tae move it is Ah've a bit ay bizness tae attend tae afore the gemme
WG: Mr NAFOS ?
NAFOS: Ah'll hae wan ay yir Curry McMichael-related ales, WG
WG heads to the bar....
WG: A Coors in a Carling gless n is The Rev James back oan yit, doll ?
Gemma: I'm afraid not. Can I offer you an alternative from our wide-ranging range ?
WG: Aye, Titanic Anchor should fit the bill, babe.
Our Bhoys are outside the chapel post-Purgatory Card
WG: ...well Ah've a spare if ye waant it, Naf
NAFOS: Naw, Ah'm no upsettin ma away-gemme routine
WG: Ah thoat ye might've wi it bein a late kick-aff
NAFOS: Bit then wi widny git back tae Wishy till aboot 8 a'cloak - bi that time yir day's ower
WG: Anywey it's early yit, fancy a quick pint ?
NAFOS: Aye, may is well
Our Bhoys make the short walk to The Teser where they find SOAL devouring a Full English
WG: Morning, Arthur, whit's the scoop ?
SOAL: Ah'll hae a quick Coors in a Carling gless bit Ah need tae move it is Ah've a bit ay bizness tae attend tae afore the gemme
WG: Mr NAFOS ?
NAFOS: Ah'll hae wan ay yir Curry McMichael-related ales, WG
WG heads to the bar....
WG: A Coors in a Carling gless n is The Rev James back oan yit, doll ?
Gemma: I'm afraid not. Can I offer you an alternative from our wide-ranging range ?
WG: Aye, Titanic Anchor should fit the bill, babe.
The Gate In The Wood - Episode 22
The Reverend James
Teser - Saturday Session
NAFOS: So what brand of newt's urine are ye drinkin today, Gemster ?
WG: The Rev James
NAFOS: Whit ?
WG: Ah thoat Ah'd hae a drink thit reflected tomorrow's encounter wi oor good friend and man of God, Curry McMichael
NAFOS: Is it wan ay yir real ales ?
WG: Aye, here's the spiel:- Brains, The Rev James...
SOAL: A Welsh beer then ?
WG: Very good, Arthur - Cardiff, if Ah'm no mistaken, deffo South Wales in any event
SOAL: So whit diz the bevvy brochure say aboot it ?
WG: This mid-brown beer has a strong flavour of malt and fruit, balanced by a slight hop aroma from its blend of hops, leading to a pleasing, malty finish
NAFOS: Ah don't like the sound ay 'mid-brown' - it reminds mi ay a underperformin centrocampisto of my unfortunate acquaintance
WG: Aye, Ah'm gittin fed up ay him an aw. Anywey they've run oot ay Grafton Blondie so Ah'll settle for The Rev McMichael,thank you kindly
NAFOS: Arthur ?
SOAL: Ah'll continue the Scott Broon theme - a skoosh ay cola wi a double voddy therein
NAFOS: It's only 12 noon ya jaiky
SOAL: Ah know bit Ah need tae split shortly. Christmas shoppin - the early bird n aw that..
NAFOS shakes his head and goes to the bar
SOAL: No waantin tae sound nosey or nowt, WG, bit whut's the latest wi you n the blouse-bustin Boynita ?
WG: A hiatus, Arthur
SOAL: A whut ?
WG: We're between events, amigo. The only time she's free this weekend is when we're it the fitba.Ah take it yir still gaun or diz Santa's Grotto require ye the morra an aw ?
SOAL: Ah'll bi there tae gie The Bhoys a cheer, WG
WG: Aye, bit wull yi bi there tae gie The Bhoys a beer, Arthur ?
SOAL: Course Ah wull
WG: Ah look foward tae it then.Four a'cloak kick-aff so plenty time fur a swally hame n away - joost the wey we like it
NAFOS (shouts from the bar): WG, The Reverend is finished
WG: Ah wish he wiz. Whit's ma alternative?
NAFOS: Ah'm afraid wur back tae the Boynita theme again
WG: Oot wi it, Naf
NAFOS: Skinner's Cornish Knocker Ale
WG: Oan ye go then. Ah'll hae two jugs.
Teser - Saturday Session
NAFOS: So what brand of newt's urine are ye drinkin today, Gemster ?
WG: The Rev James
NAFOS: Whit ?
WG: Ah thoat Ah'd hae a drink thit reflected tomorrow's encounter wi oor good friend and man of God, Curry McMichael
NAFOS: Is it wan ay yir real ales ?
WG: Aye, here's the spiel:- Brains, The Rev James...
SOAL: A Welsh beer then ?
WG: Very good, Arthur - Cardiff, if Ah'm no mistaken, deffo South Wales in any event
SOAL: So whit diz the bevvy brochure say aboot it ?
WG: This mid-brown beer has a strong flavour of malt and fruit, balanced by a slight hop aroma from its blend of hops, leading to a pleasing, malty finish
NAFOS: Ah don't like the sound ay 'mid-brown' - it reminds mi ay a underperformin centrocampisto of my unfortunate acquaintance
WG: Aye, Ah'm gittin fed up ay him an aw. Anywey they've run oot ay Grafton Blondie so Ah'll settle for The Rev McMichael,thank you kindly
NAFOS: Arthur ?
SOAL: Ah'll continue the Scott Broon theme - a skoosh ay cola wi a double voddy therein
NAFOS: It's only 12 noon ya jaiky
SOAL: Ah know bit Ah need tae split shortly. Christmas shoppin - the early bird n aw that..
NAFOS shakes his head and goes to the bar
SOAL: No waantin tae sound nosey or nowt, WG, bit whut's the latest wi you n the blouse-bustin Boynita ?
WG: A hiatus, Arthur
SOAL: A whut ?
WG: We're between events, amigo. The only time she's free this weekend is when we're it the fitba.Ah take it yir still gaun or diz Santa's Grotto require ye the morra an aw ?
SOAL: Ah'll bi there tae gie The Bhoys a cheer, WG
WG: Aye, bit wull yi bi there tae gie The Bhoys a beer, Arthur ?
SOAL: Course Ah wull
WG: Ah look foward tae it then.Four a'cloak kick-aff so plenty time fur a swally hame n away - joost the wey we like it
NAFOS (shouts from the bar): WG, The Reverend is finished
WG: Ah wish he wiz. Whit's ma alternative?
NAFOS: Ah'm afraid wur back tae the Boynita theme again
WG: Oot wi it, Naf
NAFOS: Skinner's Cornish Knocker Ale
WG: Oan ye go then. Ah'll hae two jugs.
The Gate In The wood - Episode 21
Relative Problems
Phone convy ootside Teser, That ML2
Boynita:....... so the only time I'm actually free over the weekend is Sunday afternoon
WG: N Ah'm oan active service it Rugby Park, keepin ma aw-seein eye oan Curry McMichael.Ah take it yi widnae fancy a wee trip tae Burns Coun...
Boyn: Good Lord, no, Winst. Too many relative problems over there.
WG: Relative tae whut, Boyn ?
Boyn: Er...... the relatively tranquil alternative of a Sabbath spent in languid Lanarkshire
WG: Have you been drinking ? Anyway - is that curtains fur you n Brother Stuart ?
Boyn: Yes, he was an unfaithful cur, Winst. I bet he was with some golddigger on Saturday afternoon when he, oh so conveniently, failed to show up at Fir Park
WG: Doubtless, Boyn. A reptile - some thit slither, some thit crawl and the SFA employ thum all.
Phone convy ootside Teser, That ML2
Boynita:....... so the only time I'm actually free over the weekend is Sunday afternoon
WG: N Ah'm oan active service it Rugby Park, keepin ma aw-seein eye oan Curry McMichael.Ah take it yi widnae fancy a wee trip tae Burns Coun...
Boyn: Good Lord, no, Winst. Too many relative problems over there.
WG: Relative tae whut, Boyn ?
Boyn: Er...... the relatively tranquil alternative of a Sabbath spent in languid Lanarkshire
WG: Have you been drinking ? Anyway - is that curtains fur you n Brother Stuart ?
Boyn: Yes, he was an unfaithful cur, Winst. I bet he was with some golddigger on Saturday afternoon when he, oh so conveniently, failed to show up at Fir Park
WG: Doubtless, Boyn. A reptile - some thit slither, some thit crawl and the SFA employ thum all.
The Gate In The Wood - Episode 21
Ignorance Is Bliss
NAFOS: Day ye no think it's time wi came clean wi WG ?
SOAL: Wi rigards tae whut ?
NAFOS: The true ID of BD
SOAL: It's a hard yin tae call, Naf. He's awfy sweet oan the lassie bit shi'd bi a prize capture n Ah honestly dunno if he's goat whit it takes tae keep a haud ay hur if he gits a haud ay hur in the first place
NAFOS: The hing is, he'll no bi happy wi is if n when he funs oot thit we knew aw alang
SOAL: Well, it's no is if it's Mr & Mrs is it ? She's only phonin him Naf, it could bi aboot his ever increasing.....er....overdraught..
NAFOS: Ah'm no happy wi this, Arthur.Ah'm gien him a foartnight, a week if he starts gaun oot wi hur.
SOAL: Sounds like a plan fae noafanaystan. Is it no your shout ?
NAFOS: Day ye no think it's time wi came clean wi WG ?
SOAL: Wi rigards tae whut ?
NAFOS: The true ID of BD
SOAL: It's a hard yin tae call, Naf. He's awfy sweet oan the lassie bit shi'd bi a prize capture n Ah honestly dunno if he's goat whit it takes tae keep a haud ay hur if he gits a haud ay hur in the first place
NAFOS: The hing is, he'll no bi happy wi is if n when he funs oot thit we knew aw alang
SOAL: Well, it's no is if it's Mr & Mrs is it ? She's only phonin him Naf, it could bi aboot his ever increasing.....er....overdraught..
NAFOS: Ah'm no happy wi this, Arthur.Ah'm gien him a foartnight, a week if he starts gaun oot wi hur.
SOAL: Sounds like a plan fae noafanaystan. Is it no your shout ?
The Gate In The Wood - Episode 20
A Matter Of Opinion
NAFOS: Well that wiz a stinker ay a week, drapt poins in Europe n Ah waanted tae drap ma napper oan a few ay they darnelists it work
SOAL: The mothers ur joost is bad
WG: Aye, puzzle time. Embdy up fur a poser ?
NAFOS: Baldy Bain, The Edmiston Pain ?
WG: Naw. work this wan oot..... A team draws in Europe then a day later a team gits beat in Europe. Which team has recorded the better result ?
SOAL: The team thit drew in Europe.
WG: Arthur Lee, you are totally, utterly and unalterably WRANG. I now turn the same question to Mr NAFOS.... NAFOS - the verdict ay the Luxemburg jury...in yir ain time please.
NAFOS: It depends oan the competition.A draw in the Champions League gies ye wan point bit a narrow defeat in a two-legged UEFA Cup tie might be seen is the better result. If the defeat's away fae hame even mairso.
WG: In your no-say-humble opinion ?
NAFOS: Naw
SOAL: Whit ?
NAFOS: Naw,... ye see the standard ay oapposition in the Champions League should, bi its very definition, be of higher quality thin the UEFA Cup teams as vanquished last season by the gallant if ultimately unsuccessful Glasgow Rangers, beloved of Lancashire and aw points here tae thare and back hame again.
WG: Indeed, Mr NAFOS
SOAL: So who says the defeat wiz better thin the draw then ?
WG: The Scoattish media, that's who - mobile sounds - Oops better take this, our darnelist damsel appears to be in distress amigos........
NAFOS: Well that wiz a stinker ay a week, drapt poins in Europe n Ah waanted tae drap ma napper oan a few ay they darnelists it work
SOAL: The mothers ur joost is bad
WG: Aye, puzzle time. Embdy up fur a poser ?
NAFOS: Baldy Bain, The Edmiston Pain ?
WG: Naw. work this wan oot..... A team draws in Europe then a day later a team gits beat in Europe. Which team has recorded the better result ?
SOAL: The team thit drew in Europe.
WG: Arthur Lee, you are totally, utterly and unalterably WRANG. I now turn the same question to Mr NAFOS.... NAFOS - the verdict ay the Luxemburg jury...in yir ain time please.
NAFOS: It depends oan the competition.A draw in the Champions League gies ye wan point bit a narrow defeat in a two-legged UEFA Cup tie might be seen is the better result. If the defeat's away fae hame even mairso.
WG: In your no-say-humble opinion ?
NAFOS: Naw
SOAL: Whit ?
NAFOS: Naw,... ye see the standard ay oapposition in the Champions League should, bi its very definition, be of higher quality thin the UEFA Cup teams as vanquished last season by the gallant if ultimately unsuccessful Glasgow Rangers, beloved of Lancashire and aw points here tae thare and back hame again.
WG: Indeed, Mr NAFOS
SOAL: So who says the defeat wiz better thin the draw then ?
WG: The Scoattish media, that's who - mobile sounds - Oops better take this, our darnelist damsel appears to be in distress amigos........
The Gate In The Wood - Episode 19
A Meeting Of Minds
WG: Good afternoon, Brother Stuart, and to what do we, The Teser Illuminati, owe the pleasure of your company ?
Stuart rises from his seat and profers his right hand which WG dismisses with a shake of his Jim Morrison/Alexander The Great locks
DS: Er, we just thought we'd pop in for a quiet bite to eat, Mr Gemmell
WG: Nice day for it
DS: I beg your pardon
WG: Curry Night, Brother Stuart. Curry and a drink from our wide range of quality brands, £5.99 a whip. Twelve of your unfairly earned quid and you've substantially refreshed yourself and Ms............ ?
DS: Er.....Catriona
WG: The name rings a dinger, Dougal. Let me guess.....this here, Catriona, does she have a thing for the letters which would form one's mother's maiden name ?
Cat: Yes, I work at the bank. Do I know you ?
WG: Oh I've got it now, Catriona. You're better with the maiden names than your actual customers' names. Mr Winning Gemmell, we spoke last week.
Cat: Are you sure your first name's not Winston ?
WG: Absolutely certain. And how is my favourite customer adviser to the European hungover ?
Cat: Boynita ?
WG: The very one
Cat: She went home sick at morning break
WG: Oh dear, Dougal, do we anticipate the patter of tiny feet ?
DS: Yes I think I'll have the lamb anton josh. Catriona ? Mr Gemmell, would you care to join us ?
WG: No, I don't take to Curry. and I particularly don't take to your close friend and fellow knuckle-cruncher, Curry McMichael. I take it you recall our little rendezvous on Saturday afternoon ?
DS: It's indelibly etched on my memory
WG: Well I'd strongly advise you to have a little word in the shell-like of McMichael prior to his mishandling of our forthcoming match against the Killjoys at the aptly-named Rugby Park. Any cheating and he will be next to be interviewed by Commander Collins and his self-styled Wishaw Militia.
DS: Consider it done and......er.....hard lines against Bjornborg
WG: Aye, love-all. I'll keep in touch.
WG: Good afternoon, Brother Stuart, and to what do we, The Teser Illuminati, owe the pleasure of your company ?
Stuart rises from his seat and profers his right hand which WG dismisses with a shake of his Jim Morrison/Alexander The Great locks
DS: Er, we just thought we'd pop in for a quiet bite to eat, Mr Gemmell
WG: Nice day for it
DS: I beg your pardon
WG: Curry Night, Brother Stuart. Curry and a drink from our wide range of quality brands, £5.99 a whip. Twelve of your unfairly earned quid and you've substantially refreshed yourself and Ms............ ?
DS: Er.....Catriona
WG: The name rings a dinger, Dougal. Let me guess.....this here, Catriona, does she have a thing for the letters which would form one's mother's maiden name ?
Cat: Yes, I work at the bank. Do I know you ?
WG: Oh I've got it now, Catriona. You're better with the maiden names than your actual customers' names. Mr Winning Gemmell, we spoke last week.
Cat: Are you sure your first name's not Winston ?
WG: Absolutely certain. And how is my favourite customer adviser to the European hungover ?
Cat: Boynita ?
WG: The very one
Cat: She went home sick at morning break
WG: Oh dear, Dougal, do we anticipate the patter of tiny feet ?
DS: Yes I think I'll have the lamb anton josh. Catriona ? Mr Gemmell, would you care to join us ?
WG: No, I don't take to Curry. and I particularly don't take to your close friend and fellow knuckle-cruncher, Curry McMichael. I take it you recall our little rendezvous on Saturday afternoon ?
DS: It's indelibly etched on my memory
WG: Well I'd strongly advise you to have a little word in the shell-like of McMichael prior to his mishandling of our forthcoming match against the Killjoys at the aptly-named Rugby Park. Any cheating and he will be next to be interviewed by Commander Collins and his self-styled Wishaw Militia.
DS: Consider it done and......er.....hard lines against Bjornborg
WG: Aye, love-all. I'll keep in touch.
The Gate In The Wood - Episode 18
Our Bhoys are still in The Teser.....
WG:..... Naw Ah'll hae a Grafton Blondie
SOAL: So Boynita's it work ?
WG: Faur is Ah know. No a cheep oot ay hur fae last Friday but Ah've goat a feelin Ah'll bi hearin fae hur afore the weekend's ower. Anyway the Grafton Blondie is a blond beer containing Maris Otter (Brother Walfrid wid approve) malt, wheat n a blend ay three English hop varieties, combining tae create a smooth character, bit like masel, wi citrus flavours n a hoppy finish. Come On The Hops.
NAFOS: Ye don't half talk some Jillian, WG
SOAL: Ah'll hae a Coors in a Carling gless
WG: Ehhh up - twelve a'cloak
SOAL: Is that no yir love rival, Dougal Stuart, wi anurra wummin, WG ? Unless the lovely Boynita's hud a complete makeower, I do believe Scoatlin's tap whistler is playing the....er...field
WG: Aye, that's Brother Stuart aw right. Ah'd recognise that snake in an overcrowdit reptile hoose in Embra zoo. Right, NAFOS, you git thum in n Ah'll confer some Celtic hoaspitality oan oor trooser-leg liftin local hero
WG:..... Naw Ah'll hae a Grafton Blondie
SOAL: So Boynita's it work ?
WG: Faur is Ah know. No a cheep oot ay hur fae last Friday but Ah've goat a feelin Ah'll bi hearin fae hur afore the weekend's ower. Anyway the Grafton Blondie is a blond beer containing Maris Otter (Brother Walfrid wid approve) malt, wheat n a blend ay three English hop varieties, combining tae create a smooth character, bit like masel, wi citrus flavours n a hoppy finish. Come On The Hops.
NAFOS: Ye don't half talk some Jillian, WG
SOAL: Ah'll hae a Coors in a Carling gless
WG: Ehhh up - twelve a'cloak
SOAL: Is that no yir love rival, Dougal Stuart, wi anurra wummin, WG ? Unless the lovely Boynita's hud a complete makeower, I do believe Scoatlin's tap whistler is playing the....er...field
WG: Aye, that's Brother Stuart aw right. Ah'd recognise that snake in an overcrowdit reptile hoose in Embra zoo. Right, NAFOS, you git thum in n Ah'll confer some Celtic hoaspitality oan oor trooser-leg liftin local hero
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