The Gate In The Wood - Episode 28

Lured by the prospect of some quality love time with blouse-bursting bank beauty, Boynita, WG finds himself entrapped and facing the First Degree in Lodge Novo, Kilmarnock.


RWM: Divest the candidate of all secular clothing - yes, even the Arsenal boxer shorts with the unsightly stain on the rear.

DS: Task completed, Your Supreme Raider of Tabernacles.

RWM: Divest the candidate of all metal including his Claddagh ring, Celtic crest pendant, cannon earring and that nipple thingy.

CMcM: Task completed, Your Ultimate Geometric Wizard of Translucent Carrots.

RWM: Hoodwink the candidate.

DS: The candidate has been thrust into darkness, Your Most Worthy Collector of Speckled Pebbles.

RWM: Bind the candidate. Make his stay short.

CMcM: The candidate has been bound with the fraternal ties of The Craft. He is neither barefoot nor slipshod, his breast is bared, his noose is fixed.

RWM: Lead the candidate to the Northeast corner of The temple.

WG: Is that where The Green Brigade sit ?

RWM: The candidate will maintain silence until questioned and will pay due respect to the dignified rite of initiation.

Tyler: The candidate is at Point North East of The Temple and awaits interrogation.

RWM: Winston Bergkamp Gemmell, do you come here of your own free will and as a free man ?

WG: Of course Ah don't and yis better no huv chinged the tune on ma mobile phone.

RWM: I'll take that as a 'Yes'. Secondly, Winston Bergkamp Gemmell, what do you seek ?

WG: Four-In-A-Row as a minimum

RWM: No Mr Gemmell, you seek LIGHT. Your persistent failure to comply with this august rite of initiation to the First Degree of Entered Apprentice leaves me with no option but to employ a proxy. As befits an orderly and presently formed Lodge I now seek a proxy for Mr Gemmell. Said Brother may not be Gemmell's proposer or seconder. Who will come to the aid of this blind and bound cowan-in-distress ?

Voice: I will, worshipful Master.

RWM: Identify yourself, Brother.

Voice: It is I, Bwother Fergus Alexanderson, being of good standing in Wodge Twafford, Wancashire 1968. I wiwwingwy vowunteer to be the pwoxy.

WG: Good God in Govan !