The Gate In The Wood - Episode 27

Following a successful trip to Rugby Park where his gentle intimidation forced Curry McMichael to award Celtic two penalties WG has arranged to meet buxom bank beauty, Boynita at a Kilmarnock nightspot


Ootside The Square & Compass , Kilmarnock, Sunday Night


Bouncer: Lounge only.

WG: Ah'm here tae meet a friend ay mine, Boynita - blonde, big .... er ..... hit fur hersel

Bouncer: Aye, she's in the lounge. Private party in the bar. Invited guests only. On yir way. N cover that tap up or Ah'll stick wan oan ye.


WG enters The Hiram Lounge and the door is quickly slammed shut behind him. The room is plunged into darkness except for a lone spotlight which temporarily blinds our hero.

Right Worthy Master : Tyler, secure the entrance. Lodge Novo will commence shortly.

Tyler : Your Worshipful Keeper of The Templar's Foreskin, I detect a cowan of female gender.

RWM: Arise and exit, Sister Catriona of The Loyal Eastern Star, Darvel. You have provided sterling service to the craft and will be rewarded in due course. Expect a thoroughly unmerited work promotion before the birthday of Oor National Bard.

The Tyler ushers Catriona towards the exit

WG: Catriona, ye duped me into believin ye wur Boynita. How could ye ? Did Ah git ma maw's maiden name wrang again ?

Cat (over her shoulder): A small favour for my lover, Brother Stuart, Winston, and a slap in the face for that dirty turncoat witch, Boynita. Enjoy your initiation. Here's a tub of Sudocrem for the thereafters, you'll need it.

She exits

RWM : The lodge is duly formed, is on the square and ready to proceed. Which Brother presents the candidate ?

DS: Me, your Worshipful Guardian of The Gilded Grape. I, Brother Dougal Stuart, being of good standing within Lodge St Clair, Cumnethan, hereby present Winston Kenneth Mathieson Dalglish Bergkamp Burns Gemmell as a candidate for Entered Apprentice of the present and correctly formed and operative Lodge Novo, Kilmarnock 0961.

WG: Ahm Ah no suppostay volunteer fur this ?

RWM: The Candidate will kindly remain silent. Do we have a seconder for this poor mason who seeks light from his darkness ?

CMcM: Me, Sir Knight Commander of The Order of Penitent Antelopes. I, Brother Curry McMichael, being of good standing within Lodge Gascoigne, Gateshead 1873, second Brother Stuart's nomination of Mr Winston Bergkamp Gemmell.

RWM: Can we confirm that Winston Bergkamp Gemmell has not been blackballed in the recently convened Ballot at Lodge Burley, Kilmaurs ?

DS: Winston Bergkamp Gemmell passed muster and his candidacy is confirmed. However he barely scraped through The Seventeenth Scrutiny.

RWM: Expand for the lodge, Brother Stuart.

DS: Winston Bergkamp Gemmell has been discretely challenged with regard to The Seventeenth Scrutiny and been found wanting. The scrutiny in question relates to forbidden carnal relationships with Brother Masons' wives, fiancees, daughters, mothers, grandmothers, widows, girlfriends, lovers, bidey-ins and livestock.

RWM: Mere details, Brother Stuart.We are on the level and in a postion four-square-to-the-perpendicular to proceed. Prepare The Candidate for The First Degree and divest him of that hideous Celtic top immediately