Teser, Lunchtime, Post-Aalborg (Home)
NAFOS: Well, that wiz brutal last night. Ah hate tae see left-fittit players takin penalties wi thur left fits
SOAL: Wid yi raither they took thum wi thir right fits ?
NAFOS: Naw, Ah'd raither they never took thum at aw. Rogan, Dobcheck, Brady, Rix - the list is goalless.
WG: N yon goal...
SOA: Whit goal ? Wi didny score any apart fae the wan that tool chalked aff
WG: Ah mean the actual goal, the goalmouth area it the huns end. Hauntit it is, Ah'm convinced ay it
NAFOS: Haunted bi who or bi whit ?
WG: Hauntit bi the ghost ay Henrik Dixie Nicholas Thomson
SOAL: Only wan ay thaym's deid WG
WG: Ah know - 'fur in yir goal a spirit stands, Johnny Thomson is his name'.... bit the thing is this....
NAFOS: Whit noo ? Cin yi no joost accept things is they ur in reality for wance in yir sad life ?
SOAL: Naw, hear him oot NAFOS, Ah waant tae see where this is gaun.
WG: Ower the crossbar probably, Arthur. Noo, if we accept that the spirit ay Johnny Thomson - NO the spirit ay Arthur Lee - if we accept the spirit ay Johnny thomson is in oor goal dis he chinge haufs at hauf time ? Dis he know which wey we're shootin ? Ah think he disnae. Ah think he spooks OOR penalty-takers it the huns end. Think aboot aw the misses ower the years. Wi must huv missed aboot a hunner agin the Jags n still goat through wan night. Naw, naw - Ah think that goal is hauntit... n hauntit the wrang wey.
NAFOS (shakes his head despairingly) WG, cin Ah offer ye a spirit ay yir choice ?
Friday 16 January 2009
The Gate In The Wood - Episode 16
RBS: Royal Bank of Scotland, That Wishaw Branch, you're speaking to Catriona, may I have the second letter of....
DS: Cat, it's Dougal
cat: Oh, I'm sorry, Boynita's line is busy just now, can I take a message ? I'm sure she'll be free shortly.
DS: Oh I'm absolutely sure she WILL be. I'll hold. Catriona, I was doing a bit of thinking...
Cat: Oh, tell me more, Doug
DS: I think it's maybe time I spread my wings a little, see a bit more of life.
Cat: We offer loans for all sorts of things, Doug. A new car ? Perhaps you'd like to take a holiday ?
DS: Perhaps I'd like to take you out to lunch
Cat: Oh, Dougie, Dougie, Dougie.....
DS: Cat, it's Dougal
cat: Oh, I'm sorry, Boynita's line is busy just now, can I take a message ? I'm sure she'll be free shortly.
DS: Oh I'm absolutely sure she WILL be. I'll hold. Catriona, I was doing a bit of thinking...
Cat: Oh, tell me more, Doug
DS: I think it's maybe time I spread my wings a little, see a bit more of life.
Cat: We offer loans for all sorts of things, Doug. A new car ? Perhaps you'd like to take a holiday ?
DS: Perhaps I'd like to take you out to lunch
Cat: Oh, Dougie, Dougie, Dougie.....
The Gate In the Wood - Episode 15
Wishaw Militia HQ, Craigneuk, ML2
WG knocks on heavily fortified (ie Buckfast-stained) door
Sentry: Code ?
WG: One, nine, one, zero, one, nine, five, seven
Sentry: You may proceed
WG enters HQ
Sentry: He's in the kitchen, Commander Collins
WG enters the kitchen
WG: Ungag Brother Stuart
DS: What in the name of the Great Architect is going on here? I've a football match to referee. Celtic could be four-nil up by now for all I know..
WG: Calm it, Stuart. My men are armed and dangerous. You have crossed their paths so often with your odious and bigoted decisions against the current champions of Scotland that they are only too willing to exact the ultimate revenge.
DS: Anything. I'll do anything to save my life. I've a football team to support. Surely we can come to some compromise.
WG: Okay, are you prepared to bargain your life, Brother Stuart ?
DS: Anything, everything.
WG: Fine - firstly, you will inform Sir Gordon Duffield, bigwig of the Scottish Fitba Association, that you no longer wish to officiate at any match involving the first team in these isles to lift the European Cup. And that team is ?
DS: Them....er.....yous.....er.....Celtic
WG: Verily, verily Celtic, Brother Stuart. Secondly you will desist from awarding penalties to your much-favoured and Manchester-wrecking Glasgow Rangers. One single penalty will result in the ultimate...........
DS: Penalty ?
WG: Precisely, your worshipful keeper of the Judean tabernacle and perpendicular circle of the geometric house of widowed sons.
DS: Anything else ?
WG: Aha...The lovely Boynita - customer adviser to the poor and transgressed..... am I beginning to make sense, Mr Alumnus of ML2 High ?
WG knocks on heavily fortified (ie Buckfast-stained) door
Sentry: Code ?
WG: One, nine, one, zero, one, nine, five, seven
Sentry: You may proceed
WG enters HQ
Sentry: He's in the kitchen, Commander Collins
WG enters the kitchen
WG: Ungag Brother Stuart
DS: What in the name of the Great Architect is going on here? I've a football match to referee. Celtic could be four-nil up by now for all I know..
WG: Calm it, Stuart. My men are armed and dangerous. You have crossed their paths so often with your odious and bigoted decisions against the current champions of Scotland that they are only too willing to exact the ultimate revenge.
DS: Anything. I'll do anything to save my life. I've a football team to support. Surely we can come to some compromise.
WG: Okay, are you prepared to bargain your life, Brother Stuart ?
DS: Anything, everything.
WG: Fine - firstly, you will inform Sir Gordon Duffield, bigwig of the Scottish Fitba Association, that you no longer wish to officiate at any match involving the first team in these isles to lift the European Cup. And that team is ?
DS: Them....er.....yous.....er.....Celtic
WG: Verily, verily Celtic, Brother Stuart. Secondly you will desist from awarding penalties to your much-favoured and Manchester-wrecking Glasgow Rangers. One single penalty will result in the ultimate...........
DS: Penalty ?
WG: Precisely, your worshipful keeper of the Judean tabernacle and perpendicular circle of the geometric house of widowed sons.
DS: Anything else ?
WG: Aha...The lovely Boynita - customer adviser to the poor and transgressed..... am I beginning to make sense, Mr Alumnus of ML2 High ?
The Gate In The Wood - Episode 14
Fir Park, ML1, Saturday 4.05pm
WG: Uly, whit a tremendous first half performance by our heroes in hoops. Four-nowt tae the good and absolutely nae way back fur the mothers
UMcG: Aye, even McMichael will struggle tae throw thum a lifebelt today
WG: OK, Ah'm fur the off - Ah've goat some important business tae attend tae regardin' oor wee free...
UMcG: absentee...
WG: referee...
UMcG: tee, hee, hee
WG: Wur like Peters & Lee
UMcG: or Ulysses McGhee
WG: Uly, remember ye wur here wi me till the final whistle, alibi n aw that
UMcG: Ye hiv ma word
WG: An Ah hiv 'Exhibit A' ma ticket stub
WG: Uly, whit a tremendous first half performance by our heroes in hoops. Four-nowt tae the good and absolutely nae way back fur the mothers
UMcG: Aye, even McMichael will struggle tae throw thum a lifebelt today
WG: OK, Ah'm fur the off - Ah've goat some important business tae attend tae regardin' oor wee free...
UMcG: absentee...
WG: referee...
UMcG: tee, hee, hee
WG: Wur like Peters & Lee
UMcG: or Ulysses McGhee
WG: Uly, remember ye wur here wi me till the final whistle, alibi n aw that
UMcG: Ye hiv ma word
WG: An Ah hiv 'Exhibit A' ma ticket stub
The Gate In The Wood - Episode 13
Saturday 14:50 Fir Park, ML1
Ulysses McGhee: ...aye, Ah'm still daein ma bit. A few gigs here n there, coffee shops, tearooms, chapel halls
WG: Well it'll keep the wolf fae the door, Uly. Ah thoat ye'd huv set up a gig in the Chico Bar in ML2
UMcG: Ah don't think they're quite ready for my cultured style in there just yet, WG. Talkin ay culture where are Haudit n Dodit the day ?
WG: Aw, they'll be viewin fae the comfort ay thur ain ermchairs. They don't know it but they're gaunny bi in fur a long eftirnin
Match Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls. Once again welcome to Fir Park, home to Scotland's only UEFA Cup representatives. We regret to inform you that, due to unforeseen circumstances, today's match between the mighty Well and the recently defeated, mid-table Celtic will be delayed by ten minutes. I repeat we expect this afternoon's match to kick-off at 3.10pm, that's ten past three claret and amber time.
UMcG: We could have steyed in the Lud fur anurra pint, WG
WG: Naw, Ah don't think ye'll waant tae be in Craigneuk at this precise moment in time Uly
MA: Ladies and gentlemen, there follows a further announcement.... Could I respectfully ask if we have another qualified referee in the house. I repeat could any qualified referee please please make himself known to the nearest steward.
UMcG: I fear our friend Mr Stuart may have taken ill or injured himself in his warm-up. I believe he is very diligent in his pre-match preparations
WG: Ah think you'll find that Brother Stuart isn't even within the confines of this embittered establishment, Mr McGhee. I take it yir no related to the Motherwell supremo, Uly ?
UMcG: No that Ah know ay, WG, ma faither....
MA: Ladies and gentlemen, thanks for the prompt response to our emergency request. I can now confirm that today's replacement referee will be Mr Curry McMichael. Motherwell Football Club and myself would like to thank Mr McMichael in advance for ensuring that today's match will indeed go ahead. The kick-off has now been confirmed as 3.15pm. I repeat this afternoon's match between The Steelmen and the other team will kick off at 3.15
WG: Good Lord, what have I done ?
UMcG: WG, you've come over all pale. Can I get you something. Bovril ? A macaroon bar ?
WG: Naw, Ah'll bi fine in a minute
Ulysses McGhee: ...aye, Ah'm still daein ma bit. A few gigs here n there, coffee shops, tearooms, chapel halls
WG: Well it'll keep the wolf fae the door, Uly. Ah thoat ye'd huv set up a gig in the Chico Bar in ML2
UMcG: Ah don't think they're quite ready for my cultured style in there just yet, WG. Talkin ay culture where are Haudit n Dodit the day ?
WG: Aw, they'll be viewin fae the comfort ay thur ain ermchairs. They don't know it but they're gaunny bi in fur a long eftirnin
Match Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls. Once again welcome to Fir Park, home to Scotland's only UEFA Cup representatives. We regret to inform you that, due to unforeseen circumstances, today's match between the mighty Well and the recently defeated, mid-table Celtic will be delayed by ten minutes. I repeat we expect this afternoon's match to kick-off at 3.10pm, that's ten past three claret and amber time.
UMcG: We could have steyed in the Lud fur anurra pint, WG
WG: Naw, Ah don't think ye'll waant tae be in Craigneuk at this precise moment in time Uly
MA: Ladies and gentlemen, there follows a further announcement.... Could I respectfully ask if we have another qualified referee in the house. I repeat could any qualified referee please please make himself known to the nearest steward.
UMcG: I fear our friend Mr Stuart may have taken ill or injured himself in his warm-up. I believe he is very diligent in his pre-match preparations
WG: Ah think you'll find that Brother Stuart isn't even within the confines of this embittered establishment, Mr McGhee. I take it yir no related to the Motherwell supremo, Uly ?
UMcG: No that Ah know ay, WG, ma faither....
MA: Ladies and gentlemen, thanks for the prompt response to our emergency request. I can now confirm that today's replacement referee will be Mr Curry McMichael. Motherwell Football Club and myself would like to thank Mr McMichael in advance for ensuring that today's match will indeed go ahead. The kick-off has now been confirmed as 3.15pm. I repeat this afternoon's match between The Steelmen and the other team will kick off at 3.15
WG: Good Lord, what have I done ?
UMcG: WG, you've come over all pale. Can I get you something. Bovril ? A macaroon bar ?
WG: Naw, Ah'll bi fine in a minute
Monday 12 January 2009
The Gate In The Wood - Episode 12
NAFOS: Well, WG, Ah've goat tae haun it tae ye this time, that is some bit ay gear
WG: Don't go there mate. Ah've just hid the auld KB. Apparently she's seeing that tossah, Dougal Stuart
SOAL: She's a hun enywey
WG: Aye, ten oot ay ten, Arthur. Wi a name like Boynita did ye think she wiz likely tae be a Sister ay Charity? Then again, Ah suppose in a wey she is.
NAFOS: Is that Stuart no meant tae bi reffin oor gemme it Fir Park the morra ?
SOAL: Aye, Ah'm sure he is, Ah think Ah read that in the Wishy Press
WG: Interesting, very interesting
NAFOS: Aha - I sense the ahatching of a cunning plot in the mind of Mr Winston Gemmell Esquire
SOAL: Well, whitiva it is include me oot. The last time Ah goat involved in wan ay yir masterplans Ah goat ma fit stuck in a pillarboax.
WG: Gentlemen, I can guarantee you one thing in this life. Mr Dougal Stuart, MM of this parish, will not be plying his masonic trade at Myrrh Park tomorrow. This is good news for me, good news for you, good news for Celtic and, in the fullness of time, good news for the lovely but loyal Boynita. My friends I give you 'His Germanic Holiness'
they clink glasses
WG: Don't go there mate. Ah've just hid the auld KB. Apparently she's seeing that tossah, Dougal Stuart
SOAL: She's a hun enywey
WG: Aye, ten oot ay ten, Arthur. Wi a name like Boynita did ye think she wiz likely tae be a Sister ay Charity? Then again, Ah suppose in a wey she is.
NAFOS: Is that Stuart no meant tae bi reffin oor gemme it Fir Park the morra ?
SOAL: Aye, Ah'm sure he is, Ah think Ah read that in the Wishy Press
WG: Interesting, very interesting
NAFOS: Aha - I sense the ahatching of a cunning plot in the mind of Mr Winston Gemmell Esquire
SOAL: Well, whitiva it is include me oot. The last time Ah goat involved in wan ay yir masterplans Ah goat ma fit stuck in a pillarboax.
WG: Gentlemen, I can guarantee you one thing in this life. Mr Dougal Stuart, MM of this parish, will not be plying his masonic trade at Myrrh Park tomorrow. This is good news for me, good news for you, good news for Celtic and, in the fullness of time, good news for the lovely but loyal Boynita. My friends I give you 'His Germanic Holiness'
they clink glasses
Sunday 11 January 2009
The Gate In The Wood - Episode 11
Boyn (gathering her things): Would you mind seeing me to the door, Winst ?
WG: Not a problem sweetheart
they head towards the front door of The Teser
Boyn: Thanks for an interesting lunch. Those two are a couple of real characters
WG: Oh aye, they're that aw right. Listen Ah wiz thinkin n mibbe Ah'm a wee bit oot ay order here - you bein ma customer adviser n aw that n The Data Protection Act n conflictin interests and regular interest n mothers' maiden names n......
Boyn: Winst, I'm already late. Will you cut to the chase ? What do you want to say ?
WG: It's joost. Ah didny waant tae ask ye in there, wi that pair ay wasters bit wid ye fancy a REAL date ? Ah'll even go Dutch.
Boyn: I'm sorry, Winst, and you really are such a charming chap. But the fact is I'm seeing someone just now.
WG hasn't been so crestfallen since August 31st
WG: Well that's all right then. Pity though. Embdy ah know ?
Boyn: If you go to the footy you probably will. His name's Dougal Stuart, his dad and my dad go way back
WG: Not a problem sweetheart
they head towards the front door of The Teser
Boyn: Thanks for an interesting lunch. Those two are a couple of real characters
WG: Oh aye, they're that aw right. Listen Ah wiz thinkin n mibbe Ah'm a wee bit oot ay order here - you bein ma customer adviser n aw that n The Data Protection Act n conflictin interests and regular interest n mothers' maiden names n......
Boyn: Winst, I'm already late. Will you cut to the chase ? What do you want to say ?
WG: It's joost. Ah didny waant tae ask ye in there, wi that pair ay wasters bit wid ye fancy a REAL date ? Ah'll even go Dutch.
Boyn: I'm sorry, Winst, and you really are such a charming chap. But the fact is I'm seeing someone just now.
WG hasn't been so crestfallen since August 31st
WG: Well that's all right then. Pity though. Embdy ah know ?
Boyn: If you go to the footy you probably will. His name's Dougal Stuart, his dad and my dad go way back
The Gate In The Wood - Episode 10
NAFOS: So, same again then ?
Boyn: Oh, not for me, thank you. I'm meeting with some important customers this afternoon and had better keep a clear head. Could I trouble you for a packet of cashews though ?
NAFOS splutters into the remnants of his Tinnints as the Teser cashews come in at a hefty £2.50 a bag. WG manages to flash Boynita his most winning smile as SOAL as ever ponders the step after this one
SOAL: Ah'll joost hae a voddy wi a teardrap ay cola, nae ice. In fact make it a double.
NAFOS: See you
SOAL: Aw right, a hauf pint ay Coors an aw then
NAFOS: Ah'll Coors ye ya big skinny snake. Winsty ?
WG: Gemme Burd in a jug, NAFOS. Nae frills fur me.
NAFOS heads to the bar and quickly returns with Arthur Lee's vodka and the expensive packet of cashews then dashes back to the bar for the other two drinks
Boyn: Gosh, look at the time, I'd better get back to work
NAFOS (shouts from the bar) WG, the Gemme Burd's off
WG: Aye, Ah know, she's joost tellt is
Boyn: Oh, not for me, thank you. I'm meeting with some important customers this afternoon and had better keep a clear head. Could I trouble you for a packet of cashews though ?
NAFOS splutters into the remnants of his Tinnints as the Teser cashews come in at a hefty £2.50 a bag. WG manages to flash Boynita his most winning smile as SOAL as ever ponders the step after this one
SOAL: Ah'll joost hae a voddy wi a teardrap ay cola, nae ice. In fact make it a double.
NAFOS: See you
SOAL: Aw right, a hauf pint ay Coors an aw then
NAFOS: Ah'll Coors ye ya big skinny snake. Winsty ?
WG: Gemme Burd in a jug, NAFOS. Nae frills fur me.
NAFOS heads to the bar and quickly returns with Arthur Lee's vodka and the expensive packet of cashews then dashes back to the bar for the other two drinks
Boyn: Gosh, look at the time, I'd better get back to work
NAFOS (shouts from the bar) WG, the Gemme Burd's off
WG: Aye, Ah know, she's joost tellt is
The Gate In The Wood - Episode 9
WG: So payback time, gentlemen. The CQN Badge Fivers are returned as I have not managed to track down Mr Pablo. So wan tae you, Mr Lee and wan tae you, Mr NAFOS
SOAL: A fly move oan your part so ye cin git another drink aff us noo
WG: Well, Arthur, as wee Bertie Auld wiz known tae say "the round's made round tae go round" and An know wan thing fur certain....
NAFOS: Whit's that then ?
WG: The nixt wan isny mine
NAFOS: Aye, doubtless it'll be back tae me, Ah've hid that miny rounds Ah'm beginning tae think Ah'm Tiger Widz
SOAL: Embdy gaun tae the gemme the morra ? Sellik's local it the mothers
WG: Aye, Ah'll bi gaun. Start doon the Lud early doors
NAFOS: Ah'm joost gaunny watch it in the hoose.
SOAL: Me anaw. Whit aboot you, Boynita, dae yi follay the fitba ?
Boyn: I used to go to the matches with my dad when I was a wee girl but I prefer other pursuits at the weekends these days
WG: Aye, ye probly need a bit ay R&R eftir a week stuck in the bank listnin tae sob stories fae people like me
SOAL: A fly move oan your part so ye cin git another drink aff us noo
WG: Well, Arthur, as wee Bertie Auld wiz known tae say "the round's made round tae go round" and An know wan thing fur certain....
NAFOS: Whit's that then ?
WG: The nixt wan isny mine
NAFOS: Aye, doubtless it'll be back tae me, Ah've hid that miny rounds Ah'm beginning tae think Ah'm Tiger Widz
SOAL: Embdy gaun tae the gemme the morra ? Sellik's local it the mothers
WG: Aye, Ah'll bi gaun. Start doon the Lud early doors
NAFOS: Ah'm joost gaunny watch it in the hoose.
SOAL: Me anaw. Whit aboot you, Boynita, dae yi follay the fitba ?
Boyn: I used to go to the matches with my dad when I was a wee girl but I prefer other pursuits at the weekends these days
WG: Aye, ye probly need a bit ay R&R eftir a week stuck in the bank listnin tae sob stories fae people like me
The Gate In The Wood - Episode 8
Boyn: Lads, I'd appreciate it very much if you kept my identity secret from Winst in the short term. Our relationship is still at a very formative stage and I wouldn't want to scare him away. He seems quite the sensitive type.
SOAL: ....and here comes the very man himself. With a tray of drinks no less. Haud oan a minute tae Ah take a foty oan ma phone.
WG: Well ghuys and gal, here ye go. Tinnints, Coors, G & T - Bombay Sapphire nae less fur our lady in blue and a Gemme Burd fur masel - as the bishop said tae the actress. Anyway - here's tae the mole thit dug the hole.....
They clink their glasses together
NAFOS: Nice one, WG
WG: Oh but there's more to come, Mr NAFOS. What DO we have here ?
NAFOS: That looks suspiciously like a five pound note to me, Mr Gemmell
WG: It is indeed. It is a piece of blue paper featuring the image of one freemason by the name of Sir Watty S. Naw, no that wan, the other wan. Scott. He of the Embra monument. An they huv the cheek tae say we worship statues !!!!
Boyn: What ARE you talking about, Winst ?
WG: Talents
SOAL: Whit ?
WG: Ah thoat ye knew yir biblical history, Mr Lee. The good and faithful servant. Whit did he dae wi the five talents ?
SOAL: Boat a boattle ay Buckfast ?
WG: Naw ya tossah. He made five mair. N whut dae ah huv here ?
NAFOS: That looks suspiciously like another deep sea, WG
WG: Indeed it is, Mr NAFOS. And the freemason of choice on this banknote is none other than Sir Bob Burns, much loved charlatan of The Darnelist Free State of Ayrshire.
Boynita shuffles uncomfortably on her stool
NAFOS: And tae think they slag is fur wur holy pictures
WG: Indeed they dae, Mr NAFOS. Indeed they dae.
SOAL: ....and here comes the very man himself. With a tray of drinks no less. Haud oan a minute tae Ah take a foty oan ma phone.
WG: Well ghuys and gal, here ye go. Tinnints, Coors, G & T - Bombay Sapphire nae less fur our lady in blue and a Gemme Burd fur masel - as the bishop said tae the actress. Anyway - here's tae the mole thit dug the hole.....
They clink their glasses together
NAFOS: Nice one, WG
WG: Oh but there's more to come, Mr NAFOS. What DO we have here ?
NAFOS: That looks suspiciously like a five pound note to me, Mr Gemmell
WG: It is indeed. It is a piece of blue paper featuring the image of one freemason by the name of Sir Watty S. Naw, no that wan, the other wan. Scott. He of the Embra monument. An they huv the cheek tae say we worship statues !!!!
Boyn: What ARE you talking about, Winst ?
WG: Talents
SOAL: Whit ?
WG: Ah thoat ye knew yir biblical history, Mr Lee. The good and faithful servant. Whit did he dae wi the five talents ?
SOAL: Boat a boattle ay Buckfast ?
WG: Naw ya tossah. He made five mair. N whut dae ah huv here ?
NAFOS: That looks suspiciously like another deep sea, WG
WG: Indeed it is, Mr NAFOS. And the freemason of choice on this banknote is none other than Sir Bob Burns, much loved charlatan of The Darnelist Free State of Ayrshire.
Boynita shuffles uncomfortably on her stool
NAFOS: And tae think they slag is fur wur holy pictures
WG: Indeed they dae, Mr NAFOS. Indeed they dae.
The Gate In The Wood - Episode 7
WG: Gentlemen of the parish - this here is my friend and confidante, Boynita. Boynita, may I introduce you to two of my oldest friends, Mr NAFOS and Mr Arthur Lee
NAFOS: Delighted to meet you, Boynita. Keep an eye on your purse when you're in the clutches of Winning Gemmell
SOAL: Aw right, Boynita. Yi oan yir lunch brek ?
Boyn: Oh, I've an hour to spare. Winston invited me over for a drink before I go back to work. Be a darling, Winst
NAFOS: Winst ?
WG: All will be explained in good time. Now, whit's yir poison bhoays ?
SOAL: Hus Boynita delivered yir lottery winnings or sumthin ? Aye - Ah'll hae a Coors in a Carling gless
WG: NAFOS, yir drink of choice ?
NAFOS: Tinnints in a Carling gless
WG: Ah'll bi hivin a Harviestoun's Gemme Burd n if Ah play ma cairds right mibbe mair thin wan [winks at Boynita who smiles demurely] Boyn, what would you care for, princess ?
Boyn: Oh see him and that silver tongue of his. G & T, Winst. Ice and a slice. In fact make it a double. To hell with poverty.
WG heads to the bar (uncharted waters)
NAFOS: So WG tells me you've only recently arrived in ML2 ?
Boyn: Yes, just last month. I was promoted from the Larkhall branch back in August.
SOAL: ML9? Ah'm surprised you and WG git oan say well. He's a bit ay a fanatical Jungle Jim, ye know
Boyn: Yes, he's alluded to his faith already but he's not really mentioned the footy so far. Anyway I'm not even from Larkhall, I only worked there.
NAFOS: So where DO you hail from , Boynita, and tell me, does Boynita have a surname ?
Boyn: I come from Kilwinning and my surname is Duffield. My father's some..........er....bigwig in the SFA
NAFOS: Boynita, you have just made me the happiest man in the Kingdom of Lanarkshire
NAFOS: Delighted to meet you, Boynita. Keep an eye on your purse when you're in the clutches of Winning Gemmell
SOAL: Aw right, Boynita. Yi oan yir lunch brek ?
Boyn: Oh, I've an hour to spare. Winston invited me over for a drink before I go back to work. Be a darling, Winst
NAFOS: Winst ?
WG: All will be explained in good time. Now, whit's yir poison bhoays ?
SOAL: Hus Boynita delivered yir lottery winnings or sumthin ? Aye - Ah'll hae a Coors in a Carling gless
WG: NAFOS, yir drink of choice ?
NAFOS: Tinnints in a Carling gless
WG: Ah'll bi hivin a Harviestoun's Gemme Burd n if Ah play ma cairds right mibbe mair thin wan [winks at Boynita who smiles demurely] Boyn, what would you care for, princess ?
Boyn: Oh see him and that silver tongue of his. G & T, Winst. Ice and a slice. In fact make it a double. To hell with poverty.
WG heads to the bar (uncharted waters)
NAFOS: So WG tells me you've only recently arrived in ML2 ?
Boyn: Yes, just last month. I was promoted from the Larkhall branch back in August.
SOAL: ML9? Ah'm surprised you and WG git oan say well. He's a bit ay a fanatical Jungle Jim, ye know
Boyn: Yes, he's alluded to his faith already but he's not really mentioned the footy so far. Anyway I'm not even from Larkhall, I only worked there.
NAFOS: So where DO you hail from , Boynita, and tell me, does Boynita have a surname ?
Boyn: I come from Kilwinning and my surname is Duffield. My father's some..........er....bigwig in the SFA
NAFOS: Boynita, you have just made me the happiest man in the Kingdom of Lanarkshire
The Gate In The Wood - Episode 6
WG:...............an ah wiz caught totally short. Ah didny expect there wid be a second collection n Ah pit ma mates' tenner intae the Vincey Paul boax
Boyn: Vincey Paul ?
WG: The St Vincent de Paul Society, it's a Catholic charitable organisation. They provide help to the poor and needy, regardless ay creed or colour. Ah wiz thinkin ay approachin them masel but then thoat Ah'd bi robbin Peter tae pay De Paul and......
Boyn: And that's where I come in ?
WG: Well as Peter himself did say 'Lord, to whom else could we turn ?'
Boyn: I like a man with a healthy regard for the scriptures, Winston, but remember the verse 'man does not live on bread alone.' What's a girl got to do to get a drink in these parts ?
WG: Well you've probably gathered Ah'm no exactly flush at the moment
Boyn: Here's a Hampden Roar - that should be enough to pay back your friends' badge money and get us all a little drinkypoo. Now, why don't you introduce me ? I can't say I'm particularly awestruck from my current vantage point.
WG: OK, 'nita, let's do it.
Boyn: Winston, I'm Boyn to my friends. Be a gent and fetch my brolly, does it ever not rain in this town ?
Boyn: Vincey Paul ?
WG: The St Vincent de Paul Society, it's a Catholic charitable organisation. They provide help to the poor and needy, regardless ay creed or colour. Ah wiz thinkin ay approachin them masel but then thoat Ah'd bi robbin Peter tae pay De Paul and......
Boyn: And that's where I come in ?
WG: Well as Peter himself did say 'Lord, to whom else could we turn ?'
Boyn: I like a man with a healthy regard for the scriptures, Winston, but remember the verse 'man does not live on bread alone.' What's a girl got to do to get a drink in these parts ?
WG: Well you've probably gathered Ah'm no exactly flush at the moment
Boyn: Here's a Hampden Roar - that should be enough to pay back your friends' badge money and get us all a little drinkypoo. Now, why don't you introduce me ? I can't say I'm particularly awestruck from my current vantage point.
WG: OK, 'nita, let's do it.
Boyn: Winston, I'm Boyn to my friends. Be a gent and fetch my brolly, does it ever not rain in this town ?
The Gate In The Wood - Episode 5
NAFOS: Is that tightwad still oan the phone, Arthur ?
SOAL: Naw, he appears tae huv hung up, either that or his moby's run oot ay money an aw (stifles guffaw)
NAFOS: We need tae stick wi this Arthur. a united front - Et Pluribus Unum as they say oan the Benfica badge
SOAL: Aye and badges are the very focus of our current unhappiness, NAFOS. Ah waant recompense fur ma hard-earned if somewhat daft fiver.
NAFOS: Ehh up......... Check oot that gorgeous blonde coming through the door.
SOAL: Lordy. Ah love a burd in uniform
NAFOS: She's headit straight fur WG, must bi wan ay his cousins fae Fauldhoose, Or mibbe she's wan ay his support workers.
SOAL: Ah don't recognise the blue tartan uniform bit she's probably goat an accordion in the hoose tae go alang wi it.....!!
SOAL: Naw, he appears tae huv hung up, either that or his moby's run oot ay money an aw (stifles guffaw)
NAFOS: We need tae stick wi this Arthur. a united front - Et Pluribus Unum as they say oan the Benfica badge
SOAL: Aye and badges are the very focus of our current unhappiness, NAFOS. Ah waant recompense fur ma hard-earned if somewhat daft fiver.
NAFOS: Ehh up......... Check oot that gorgeous blonde coming through the door.
SOAL: Lordy. Ah love a burd in uniform
NAFOS: She's headit straight fur WG, must bi wan ay his cousins fae Fauldhoose, Or mibbe she's wan ay his support workers.
SOAL: Ah don't recognise the blue tartan uniform bit she's probably goat an accordion in the hoose tae go alang wi it.....!!
The Gate In The Wood - Episode 4
WG: Ah huv the right tae wan phone call
NAFOS: Well make it snappy, sunshine
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Cat: Royal Bank of Scotland, That Wishaw branch, Catriona speaking, how may I be of assistance ?
WG: Catriona, it's Mr W Gemmell, I was on earlier, can you please put me through to Boynita, the customer adviser to the lost, lonely and loyal
Cat: One moment, sir, whilst we try to connect you
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Boyn: Customer Advice, Boynita speaking, how may I help you ?
WG: Boynita, it's Mr Gemmell, we spoke earlier......
Boyn: Call me Boyn...............and may I call you..........Winston ?
WG: You can call me whatever you like but I need ten pounds quicker than you can say Kenny Miller
Boyn: Interesting, Winston. Perhaps we can come to some arrangement which will result in our mutual...............er.......................satisfaction
NAFOS: Well make it snappy, sunshine
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Cat: Royal Bank of Scotland, That Wishaw branch, Catriona speaking, how may I be of assistance ?
WG: Catriona, it's Mr W Gemmell, I was on earlier, can you please put me through to Boynita, the customer adviser to the lost, lonely and loyal
Cat: One moment, sir, whilst we try to connect you
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Boyn: Customer Advice, Boynita speaking, how may I help you ?
WG: Boynita, it's Mr Gemmell, we spoke earlier......
Boyn: Call me Boyn...............and may I call you..........Winston ?
WG: You can call me whatever you like but I need ten pounds quicker than you can say Kenny Miller
Boyn: Interesting, Winston. Perhaps we can come to some arrangement which will result in our mutual...............er.......................satisfaction
The Gate In The Wood - Episode 3
NAFOS: Er.....well....it's like this. SOAL n masel hud a wee chat whilst you wur trying tae charm the Rangers tap aff Boynita
WG: Yis did, did yis ?
NAFOS: Aye, we.........er....decided that it might be a good idea if you became..... how cin Ah pit this?..... self-sufficient
WG: Self-sufficient ? Arthur Lee, are you party to this almost Maurice Johnston-like act of betrayal and treachery ?
SOAL: It wiz NAFOS's idea but Ah believe the concept diz huv some merit. It's time ye stood oan yir ain two feet. We canny support yi evermore as the.......er....song goes
NAFOS: Aye............n there's also the issue ay the CQN badge money........
WG: Yis did, did yis ?
NAFOS: Aye, we.........er....decided that it might be a good idea if you became..... how cin Ah pit this?..... self-sufficient
WG: Self-sufficient ? Arthur Lee, are you party to this almost Maurice Johnston-like act of betrayal and treachery ?
SOAL: It wiz NAFOS's idea but Ah believe the concept diz huv some merit. It's time ye stood oan yir ain two feet. We canny support yi evermore as the.......er....song goes
NAFOS: Aye............n there's also the issue ay the CQN badge money........
The Gate In The Wood - Episode 2
NAFOS: So how did the phone call to Kimberley go, WG ?
WG: It didny go too well amigo. Kimbers is in the club and ah'm in the grubber.
SOAL: The Sellik supporters club ?
WG: Naw, she's in the family way, has left the bank and been replaced by wan ay the darkside named Boynita
NAFOS: Did she ask fur yir maw's maiden name ? That's always a good sign
WG: Naw, she asked mi how miny letters wur in ma maw's maiden name
SOAL: Wur ye able tae wurk it oot ?
WG: Ah'll wurk YOU oot, ya big tumshie
NAFOS: SO whit did ye tell hur ?
WG: Six
SOAL: An whut did she say ?
WG: "We've only just met......and only over the phone at that "
NAFOS: Naw, whut did she really say ?
WG: "What is the second letter of your mother's maiden name ? "
SOAL: And you said ?
WG: E
NAFOS: An then whut did she say ?
WG: "And what is the fifth letter of your mother's maiden name ?"
SOAL: An whut did you say ?
WG: I
NAFOS: Is your maw's maiden name CELTIC?
WG: Naw it's Devlin - huv Ah missed oot oan sumbdy's round here ?
WG: It didny go too well amigo. Kimbers is in the club and ah'm in the grubber.
SOAL: The Sellik supporters club ?
WG: Naw, she's in the family way, has left the bank and been replaced by wan ay the darkside named Boynita
NAFOS: Did she ask fur yir maw's maiden name ? That's always a good sign
WG: Naw, she asked mi how miny letters wur in ma maw's maiden name
SOAL: Wur ye able tae wurk it oot ?
WG: Ah'll wurk YOU oot, ya big tumshie
NAFOS: SO whit did ye tell hur ?
WG: Six
SOAL: An whut did she say ?
WG: "We've only just met......and only over the phone at that "
NAFOS: Naw, whut did she really say ?
WG: "What is the second letter of your mother's maiden name ? "
SOAL: And you said ?
WG: E
NAFOS: An then whut did she say ?
WG: "And what is the fifth letter of your mother's maiden name ?"
SOAL: An whut did you say ?
WG: I
NAFOS: Is your maw's maiden name CELTIC?
WG: Naw it's Devlin - huv Ah missed oot oan sumbdy's round here ?
The Gate In The Wood - Episode 1
SOAL: Whose round is it ?
WG: NAFOS's
NAFOS: Why is it always my round ?
SOAL: Cos WG's always skint ?
NAFOS: Don't you think you should get your finances in order instead of moochin aff us ?
WG: My credit is crunched. Thank crunchy it's credit........... or Friday.
NAFOS: Did ye no read Kojo's Git-Rich-Quick guidebook oan the sellikblog ?
WG: Ah did bit it wiz too techno jargonesque fur me. Ah'm mair intae language me, words in awrat.
SOAL: Cin ye no phone yon Kimberley ?
WG: Who's yon Kimberley ?
SOAL: Yon Kimberley fae the the bank, hur thit doubles yir overdraught at the drap ay a bon mot
NAFOS: Aye, away ower theyr biside the puggy in gie hur a phone
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
RBS: Royal Bank of Scotland, That Wishaw branch, you're speaking to Catriona, how may I be of service ?
WG: Er...........it's a Mr Gemmell here. I was looking to speak with Kimberley.
Cat: Would that be Kimberley Street, customer adviser to the poor and overstretched ?
WG: I guess it would be.
Cat: I'm afraid Ms Street is no longer with the branch
WG: Pity
Cat: Maternity Leave, I hear
WG: I'm not at all surprised......
Cat: Mr Gemmell, if I may interrupt.......Perhaps you would like to have a word with Kimberley's successor ?
WG: Does she take pity on the poor and feckless ?
Cat: Evidently. I'll put you on hold for a moment
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
RBS: Mr Gemmell, you're through to Boynita, recently promoted from our Larkhall branch, how may I help you ?
WG: Wait a minute, you're going to ask me for my mother's maiden name, aren't you ?
WG: NAFOS's
NAFOS: Why is it always my round ?
SOAL: Cos WG's always skint ?
NAFOS: Don't you think you should get your finances in order instead of moochin aff us ?
WG: My credit is crunched. Thank crunchy it's credit........... or Friday.
NAFOS: Did ye no read Kojo's Git-Rich-Quick guidebook oan the sellikblog ?
WG: Ah did bit it wiz too techno jargonesque fur me. Ah'm mair intae language me, words in awrat.
SOAL: Cin ye no phone yon Kimberley ?
WG: Who's yon Kimberley ?
SOAL: Yon Kimberley fae the the bank, hur thit doubles yir overdraught at the drap ay a bon mot
NAFOS: Aye, away ower theyr biside the puggy in gie hur a phone
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
RBS: Royal Bank of Scotland, That Wishaw branch, you're speaking to Catriona, how may I be of service ?
WG: Er...........it's a Mr Gemmell here. I was looking to speak with Kimberley.
Cat: Would that be Kimberley Street, customer adviser to the poor and overstretched ?
WG: I guess it would be.
Cat: I'm afraid Ms Street is no longer with the branch
WG: Pity
Cat: Maternity Leave, I hear
WG: I'm not at all surprised......
Cat: Mr Gemmell, if I may interrupt.......Perhaps you would like to have a word with Kimberley's successor ?
WG: Does she take pity on the poor and feckless ?
Cat: Evidently. I'll put you on hold for a moment
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
RBS: Mr Gemmell, you're through to Boynita, recently promoted from our Larkhall branch, how may I help you ?
WG: Wait a minute, you're going to ask me for my mother's maiden name, aren't you ?
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