The Gate In The Wood - Episode 43

Duffield phones Browning's Bakery


Brownings: Browning's Bakery, say 'NICE' tae a peppered steak slice. You're through to Bertha, how may I help you ?

GD: Hi Bertha, I'm looking to talk with Brown Browning ?

Bertha: Would that be Brown Browning Snr or Brown Browning Jnr ?

GD: I'm rather not sure. I did not know there were two.

Bertha: Is the Brown you seek male or female ?

GD: How do you know of my interest in such matters ?

Bertha: I don't or, rather, I didn't. Male or female, Mr ...... ?

GD: Er....... Duffield, Gordon Duffield and..... er ... male ... please.

Bertha: One moment whilst I transfer you - bet that's not the first time you've heard that line, Mustscore Duffield !!

Brown Browning Snr: Brown Browning, how may I assist you ?

GD: You can start by sacking that cheeky bitch of a receptionist, Bertha.

BB: How dare you insult my wife, Brother Duffield.

GD: My apologies Brown. I'm stressed out my tree just now with all the Lodge trouble, Boynita being on my case, failing health and a lack of sponsorship.

BB: Failing health ? That's a bit rich, Duffield. You weren't the one held to ransom by some of Lanarkshire most feared freedom-fighters.

GD: Terrorists, Browning.

BB: I was lucky to escape with my life, for pity's sake. I hate to add to your woes but I'm unilaterally cancelling the Lodge catering contract. You can advise Ramsay I'll make good any financial shortfall.

GD: You can't do this to me, Brother Browning.

BB: I can, I will and I just have. Anyway why do you call ?

GD: Oh it's all rather pointless now. I was going to request a favour and ask you to sponsor the Scottish Cup.

BB: You've a right cheek, Duffield. I'd rather sponsor the European Cup replica at Parkheid than help you out. Would there be anything else ? I'm a busy man.

GD: Yes. Is there any truth in the story that your famed recipe for the fondant in the Narrowboat macaroon bar doubles as a soothing agent for itchy and blistering scalps ?

BB: As a matter of fact there is. I'll have a five-litre tub delivered to SFA Headquarters first thing tomorrow morning. Anything else? I really must press on.

GD: Yes, what age is your daughter, Brown Browning Jnr ?

BB: Our future business will be conducted solely on the square, Brother Duffield. Goodbye.