The Gate In The Wood - Episode 13

Saturday 14:50 Fir Park, ML1


Ulysses McGhee: ...aye, Ah'm still daein ma bit. A few gigs here n there, coffee shops, tearooms, chapel halls

WG: Well it'll keep the wolf fae the door, Uly. Ah thoat ye'd huv set up a gig in the Chico Bar in ML2

UMcG: Ah don't think they're quite ready for my cultured style in there just yet, WG. Talkin ay culture where are Haudit n Dodit the day ?

WG: Aw, they'll be viewin fae the comfort ay thur ain ermchairs. They don't know it but they're gaunny bi in fur a long eftirnin

Match Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls. Once again welcome to Fir Park, home to Scotland's only UEFA Cup representatives. We regret to inform you that, due to unforeseen circumstances, today's match between the mighty Well and the recently defeated, mid-table Celtic will be delayed by ten minutes. I repeat we expect this afternoon's match to kick-off at 3.10pm, that's ten past three claret and amber time.

UMcG: We could have steyed in the Lud fur anurra pint, WG

WG: Naw, Ah don't think ye'll waant tae be in Craigneuk at this precise moment in time Uly

MA: Ladies and gentlemen, there follows a further announcement.... Could I respectfully ask if we have another qualified referee in the house. I repeat could any qualified referee please please make himself known to the nearest steward.

UMcG: I fear our friend Mr Stuart may have taken ill or injured himself in his warm-up. I believe he is very diligent in his pre-match preparations

WG: Ah think you'll find that Brother Stuart isn't even within the confines of this embittered establishment, Mr McGhee. I take it yir no related to the Motherwell supremo, Uly ?

UMcG: No that Ah know ay, WG, ma faither....

MA: Ladies and gentlemen, thanks for the prompt response to our emergency request. I can now confirm that today's replacement referee will be Mr Curry McMichael. Motherwell Football Club and myself would like to thank Mr McMichael in advance for ensuring that today's match will indeed go ahead. The kick-off has now been confirmed as 3.15pm. I repeat this afternoon's match between The Steelmen and the other team will kick off at 3.15

WG: Good Lord, what have I done ?

UMcG: WG, you've come over all pale. Can I get you something. Bovril ? A macaroon bar ?

WG: Naw, Ah'll bi fine in a minute