The Gate In the Wood - Episode 15

Wishaw Militia HQ, Craigneuk, ML2

WG knocks on heavily fortified (ie Buckfast-stained) door

Sentry: Code ?

WG: One, nine, one, zero, one, nine, five, seven

Sentry: You may proceed

WG enters HQ

Sentry: He's in the kitchen, Commander Collins

WG enters the kitchen

WG: Ungag Brother Stuart

DS: What in the name of the Great Architect is going on here? I've a football match to referee. Celtic could be four-nil up by now for all I know..

WG: Calm it, Stuart. My men are armed and dangerous. You have crossed their paths so often with your odious and bigoted decisions against the current champions of Scotland that they are only too willing to exact the ultimate revenge.

DS: Anything. I'll do anything to save my life. I've a football team to support. Surely we can come to some compromise.

WG: Okay, are you prepared to bargain your life, Brother Stuart ?

DS: Anything, everything.

WG: Fine - firstly, you will inform Sir Gordon Duffield, bigwig of the Scottish Fitba Association, that you no longer wish to officiate at any match involving the first team in these isles to lift the European Cup. And that team is ?

DS: Them....er.....yous.....er.....Celtic

WG: Verily, verily Celtic, Brother Stuart. Secondly you will desist from awarding penalties to your much-favoured and Manchester-wrecking Glasgow Rangers. One single penalty will result in the ultimate...........

DS: Penalty ?

WG: Precisely, your worshipful keeper of the Judean tabernacle and perpendicular circle of the geometric house of widowed sons.

DS: Anything else ?

WG: Aha...The lovely Boynita - customer adviser to the poor and transgressed..... am I beginning to make sense, Mr Alumnus of ML2 High ?